It’s Just A Fact

It takes a significant amount of courage to say your true feelings–the real, real true ones. The ones you keep locked in your heart forever and just can’t seem to let go of. You get my point. People never say those things, and usually that’s okay. But sometimes it eats away at you, because you see what you can’t say when you look into someone’s eyes. Reflected in that warm amber is the heart you have, that no one seems to know anything about. Except you. And you can’t help but want to cry as you stare into their eyes, because it would be so much easier if they could see your heart too.

So, you may just find yourself running breathlessly to their front door and knocking on it. And they may open the door eating a ham sandwich. And you’ll stammer, “Hi.” Then they will invite you in and you’ll sit on the back porch and they’ll tell you a story. And after a few minutes of freaking out you will feel your knees quake as you open your mouth to tell them what you need to say. And you’ll finally feel better as you say exactly what you mean.

And then almost two weeks later you’ll be sitting in your room wondering if anything will ever work out for you. Because apparently, you’re being naïve and stupid to believe that a person could ever care about you. And even saying that to yourself, you don’t want to believe it.

But it could be true, and that’s scary.

Because you want to be able to care about people; you don’t want to be stone forever.

Can’t life just have a reverse button and we can go back to that moment, that Tuesday, when I knew exactly what was going on?

What do you do after you put yourself out there and you are getting multiple answers? Some may say its perfect, some may say it’s trouble, and you are stuck there saying, “WHY?!?”

Is it just the male species that’s so confusing? Because something tells me I am being just as confusing and vague as the male counterpart in this situation. But then I was told I was being too obvious as well. Which definitely gets me all bristly. I HATE neediness and vulnerability. I AM NOT needy.

At least I try not to be. Every person is needy to a certain degree, but I overcompensate for that by being cold to people. And I don’t want to go backwards and be so frozen over I can’t see the goodness in the people around me. But I don’t want to be needy, either.

So I’m stuck. And I hate being stuck.

I don’t know if I should open up or “leave him alone”. I don’t know if I’m pulling away or pushing him into something. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Maybe when you’re about to leap into your feelings there are no facts. There’s just what is, and what isn’t.

I guess time will tell.

I’m getting awfully sick of telling myself that, though.

I’m getting awfully sick of this situation, too.

I don’t know what is fact or fiction anymore.

I just know what I feel. And I sort of wish I didn’t.

Originally written: 10/22/11

About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 10/22/2011, in Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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