More Reasons To Shut Up (Or Not)

I would like to start off by saying that I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear you utter a word about any of this. Because I know okay? I know.

Look, there are two versions of me and there is a mixture. Me number one is quiet. She doesn’t ever say anything about anything. She never talks about her, her life, her friends, her family, her anything. She will sit there and listen to you. There’s no need to complain about why she isn’t talking, she’s too busy listening to you complain about it. Me Two is pretty close to Me One’s polar opposite. You’re lucky if you can get her to shut up or stop fidgeting or dancing around the room or laughing like she has a case of the hiccups. She goes on and on about what she thinks about life, she tells you even the smallest thoughts that barge in her brain. Me The Mixture is quiet, she listens, but she will say her peace if she thinks it’s right to. She thinks before she speaks. She offers advice. She contemplates things, studies them. She’s not the easiest to read, out of the three of them, because she’s not burning up in her unsaid thoughts or pushing them out of her mouth.

I hate that there isn’t just one me. Three is too many. And I hate that I know which of the three I am with everyone in my life. With Mom, Ashley, Polly (sometimes) and Charles: Me The Mixture. With Dad, the rest of my family, and people at school: Me One. With Ruth, Polly (sometimes) and people at work: Me Two.

“Why does it matter?” you may ask.

My response is that I thought I told you to shut up.

I don’t know which one of these Me’s is the real one, okay?

I feel real when I’m alone, I feel like I’m all three. It feels like that with Val, too. Like I don’t have to be anything, I just am. I can be super quiet, I can be super goofy, I can be on my best behavior. I like that. But the rest of the world just seems to get in the way of that.

I’m torn…Charles sort of did that thing today where he blew me off after commenting that we could hang out tonight. So here I am, wanting to go out tonight, and sitting at home.

WHERE CAN I GO???

I’m gonna ask Mom if she want’s to hang out. I miss her, too. Even though it’s sort of hard to be around her.

I question myself around her, like I question myself around Charles. I HATE that I question myself around Charles. I guess I’m just afraid that he won’t like what he sees. But come on, if he doesn’t like it, than why would I still want to be with him?

I’m so tired of listening until I’m screaming inside or wanting to punch myself in my face for saying too much.

NEW RULE: Be myself! No matter which Me I am at the moment—

And I’m going to get out of the house no matter what.

I am not staying home tonight.

Originally written: 11/22/11

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About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 11/22/2011, in Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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