Sleeping Memories

Have you ever fallen asleep so incredibly tired that you can’t even have a coherent thought…and then awoken to something you dreamt, something you remember, worth waking up for? What I mean is, have you ever remembered something in your dreams that was long forgotten, and wonderful enough to spend countless hours fixating upon?

Why is it always like that with people?

I know for fact that before I fell in love I had never woken up to such happiness as I have when I wake up thinking about him. It’s funny to dream about something we’ve done, relive the wonder and excitement, and wake up so joyous I could scream because I remember that it is not just a dream: it was real. I think that’s when you know a relationship was worth it.

Sleep does such odd things to our brain. It’s recess time for the kindergartener in our subconscious—time to run wild and express anything. Sometimes it shows us what we lack, other times it shows us what we have. They can teach us more about ourselves than we care to know, and make us look at what we want in a different way. They can come to grips with the reality of our problems, and play in the fantasy of our happiness.

Obviously, I’m in the fantasy-of-happiness zone.

It is amazing, how strong I feel about him after one of those dreams. I can literally wake up with a smile on my face…feel so complete…until I remember that he’s not at my side. Then it’s just crazy how much I’ll miss him.

I can spend all day long, getting distracted by the tempting recollections of us laughing, sitting in the same room, looking at another, and doing all three at once. I’ll stand at my closet and instead of picking out my clothes I’ll be laughing at something he said once. I’ll take the long way to school when I drive because I’m thinking about how wonderful the sun felt shining the last time we drove that way. I’ll be eating my lunch, not paying attention to conversation, because I’ve got a song he played stuck in my head.

The day will be made and ruined as soon as I open my eyes.

When I finally see him, I’ll be nervous and excited. I always want to run up and jump in his arms because I’m so happy he’s there…just there and standing and being alive.

Every time I see him, it’s just another dream that has come true.

It’s beautiful to feel like that, I know, but it’s also hard to handle at times… The reality comes, crushing the light my dreams put in my eyes. It’s time to wake up for real, and remember that it was a dream he did not have, one he did not wake to, and doesn’t feel the same happiness at.

All that joy I’ll have inside feels swept up by the wind in the moment reality comes back. That’s why my smile can falter around him, that’s the heavy look in my eyes, the careful placing of each word in my mouth…I’ll miss him, miss him being there in my dreams with me.

Dreams aren’t always too good to be true, not when they’re memories, but the thing about memories is that

You can’t

Go

Back.

Originally written: 3/31/12

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About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 03/31/2012, in All That "Love" Crap and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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