Some people say life is about chances. Others say blessings. And then there are the people like me, who tend to lean more over to the “possibilities” realm. Basically, there are risk-chasers, prayer-sayers, and future-finders. Chances are the breath of fresh air we crave, blessings keep us humble, and possibilities give us some sort of hope in the control of our lives.
So why the hell am I writing about this?
Well, this past week I’ve been out and about, exploring parks and diners and songs like “drop it like it’s hot”. I’ve been moving, moving, moving and barely able to catch a moment to think. And normally that makes me excited. But then yesterday the bubble of fun-high-school-experiences (so to speak) popped. Here’s how that happens:
POP! No one makes a decision when we were asking what, where, and how.
POP! We all worried the new guy Landon wasn’t having fun.
POP! Ruth suddenly left with bad news she wouldn’t talk about.
POP! Charles wouldn’t quit asking me what my problem is.
POP! Brendan started getting super stressed.
POP! The condoms in my car glove box were discovered.
POP! I had homework waiting for me.
POP! We had school the next day.
POP! POP! POP!
There went the bubble, along with the eggshells under our feet.
So tonight guess what I’m doing? I’m going out. I’m going out with a friend to a party to do who-knows-what for the whole night. Because I don’t feel like caring about how broke I am, or how frustrating my math class is, or sex. I just want to feel happy, free…like the world won’t bring me down.
Depression comes in then. I get scared all the time that it will begin to creep in my problems and make them grow until nothing else is inside me. And maybe that description sounds a little too gross for those of you familiar with the House episode where they pull the giant tape worm out of someone’s gut, but heck, depression and tapeworms could be cousins with how related they seem. Each is growing; making the body go into a state of malnutrition over time, draining the victim until it completely consumes its life.
Okay now I’m even getting a little grossed out.
But I really do scare myself with this stuff. I get nervous on nights like tonight when shit goes on, because I never know quite where it will lead me.
You want to know the truth?
I don’t really want to go to this party. I would much rather be at Charles’s house hanging out with him, having shit go on there. I trust him. I miss him, just the two of us hanging out.
But that’s not how it works when you’re a teenager. You make the stupid stuff happen anyway. Because Charles is working. Because I had an icky day. Because if I stop for two seconds and look at who I am, I’m afraid I won’t like who I see.
So tonight I will go out and throw myself into the possibilities. I’ll pray that I am blessed with the ability to hold back from some risky chances. I will ride around, scream to the sky, and silently ask myself if this is flying or falling.
Because sometimes it’s sure damn hard to tell.