What Girls Aren’t Supposed To Say
Last night before I went to bed I got on here and wrote a new post without publishing it. I was so incredibly angry that I just needed someone to listen and take my side right then and there. Because often when you have a fight with someone you care about, you need someone else to tell you that it is okay to be angry and say awful things and act badly. It can be hard sometimes to justify hurting the people you love even when they hurt you first. So I wrote this thing out and I did not hold back and by the time I ended it I felt so wiped out that I just went to bed.
Well, here it is, the day after, and let me tell you, it has sucked. Not only because it’s Monday, but also because I woke up this morning remembering that all of a sudden things between Charles and I didn’t seem so certain anymore.
Let me explain.
I know females are not supposed to want to have sex and be reckless about it and let people they met earlier that night run their hands all over them, but the truth is, some of us are like that. Some of us have given up on giving a damn. So basically, I am in love with Charles, and I thought he loved me, and I trust him and want him to be my first. Not an awful thing to want, right? You’ve got love, check. Trust? Check. Protection? Check. The previous embarrassment of letting someone see you naked? Check. All signs point towards go. The universe is telling you to collect two hundred dollars (should have known it would go downhill…I stink at Monopoly). And yet, said person does not want to have sex.
DID YOU HEAR THAT WORLD, A STRAIGHT, TEENAGE BOY HAS TURNED DOWN SEX!
“Why can’t you be like girls all used to be, and want it to be perfect and just right?” he asked. “Don’t you want it to be with someone you love?”
Great. Not only am I in love with a guy who refuses to sleep with me, but he also seems to doubt the relationship.
In a way, it’s reasons like that which make me want to do it with him. He’s already hurt me and seen me at some truly low points; no one else would be able to walk on in and hurt me.
That’s what shocked me when I reread my almost-blog post when I got home. It was if I just wanted to get it over with, because no matter what, it would never be perfect because I’ll get hurt.
Maybe Charles is right. Maybe its fair that he wants to skip the tears and energy.
Part of me refuses to believe that. Part of me says he owes it to me to let me lay in his arms and need someone there.
But that might be approaching a girly point of view, where her first is the knight in shinning armor. If you want the truth, here it is: everyone wants to feel needed. To give, to accept, to feel wanted. And that includes being physical with people. As a person who feels less certain about the stability and functionality of her mental affairs, it makes sense that I want to express things through a different outlet.
So sorry Charles, that I can’t just wait until the honeymoon and put you through such torture then. Guess I’m just not the girl who will take “Why?” for an answer.