For Guys Everywhere: On Girls & Our Weirdness

Alas, my creepiness continues. I just got done reading a post from this guy ericdodo on here, and now even though I’m a complete stranger to him, he has inspired me to write a post. Basically, some people creep on Facebook, I guess going to Reader on WordPress is the equivalent of out of the blue barging into some stranger’s brain and rummaging through their sock drawer.

I don’t know if that made sense or not to you, but I’m going to move on with the topic of this post anyway.

Call me immature, call me lame, but I’ve always harbored this secret desire to teach a class or something to a group of guys that tells them how to treat a lady/what the hell is wrong with girls. Because let me tell you, females are smart and compassionate and some of the most amazing people in the world, but we are also completely and totally fucked up.

At a young age, I realized that men/guys/boys were never going to understand us. So given that frustrating piece of knowledge, I thought, “Well why don’t we just teach them?”

Unfortunately, I grew up and discovered that even though men/guy/boys are usually simple to figure out, sometimes they are capable of making females just as confused as we make them. After all, girls are so easy at figuring out other girls, and after years of having best friends who were primarily girls, teen hood threw one at me when it came to being friends with guys. They didn’t know anything about girls that you can’t find in Playboy. Oh the frustration I had…

But enough about that. After suffering through years of zits and failed hairstyles and rejection from guys, I’ve finally got a solid grip on them. Heck, I probably talk to more guys than I do girls now. And so, to the guys still questioning what the hell goes on in the female brain I give you some advice:

1. If you’re meeting a girl for the first time, it’s okay to flirt a bit. That way they’ll know right off the bat about how you feel, and if they’re not feeling it back then they aren’t trapped in this oh-crap-I-have-to-see-this-guy-everyday situation. You both are free to move on with your lives and forget each other’s existence the next day. So it doesn’t have to be that big of a deal.

2. If you like a girl who works with you/is in classes with you/you see from time to time, then don’t flirt right off the bat unless you’re really confident enough to. The less horrifying way to do it is to first talk to her about something unimportant. Compliment her shoes, ask her about an assignment, complain about how your boss smells like the inside of a bowling shoe. Just let her become aware of your being alive. Next, be nice. I know that sounds dumb, but I mean nicer in a way that is a bit special. Open doors for her, share your snack, be polite, take an interest in her life (asking her about hobbies/friends/family/whatever has been previously mentioned between the two of you). If you’re being a bit more nice than the average joe is, she’ll know you have a positive opinion of her. Now it’ll be her turn to decide how this ends up. She’ll either be repulsed by your niceness, encourage it, of be stuck somewhere in the middle where she accepts it, but does nothing to reciprocate. With the first two options, I expect you to have enough sense to know how you should respond. With the last…. She either doesn’t know how to be nice and say no at the same time, or she hasn’t quite figured out how she feels, or she’s shy. That means you have got to make an obvious move and see how she reacts.

3. If you like a girl you know really well, good luck. This is the toughest situation to test. You can either be bold and just spring it on her by making a move, or you can subtly hint at it while risking her not picking up on it. Decide this course of action based on if she’s observant or not. Some people need to be smacked over the head with feelings to figure them out, others just need a look to know how things are rolling. So if you’re going to do the subtle hinting thing, just be extra nice like I said in #2 and try to connect to her on an emotional level. Opening up to her will show her how much you trust her, and hopefully allow her to place the same trust in you. It doesn’t have to be anything too traumatic, just be real. Say so if you’ve had a crappy day, if you are angry with someone or something, confused about a certain situation, etc. After you two have gotten so close, it’s okay to admit how you feel about her, so long as you don’t freak her out and make put her on the spot (“Do you like me? Do ya? DO YA?”). Just be straight up and say how you feel, then tell her you just wanted her to know that, because your friendship means a lot and you want to be honest with her. If she’s a true friend, she’ll stick by you no matter what she feels.

I know there’s tons more to figure out. Believe me, I’ve gotten some weird questions from guys (examples: “Does it hurt your boobs to lay on your stomach?” Nah, not really. “Is it weird that I’ve watched Power Puff Girls before?” Depends on if you played with Barbies or not as well. “Can I watch you take out your tampon?” NO!). But for now, I hope this can clear some things up for you guys, or that you will at least tell me if you think I’m full of shit or not. If I’m gonna write advice, I want to make sure it’s actually helping people, so tell me if it is too.

I know I’m no guru of the female gender or anything, but take it from a girl who’s been hurt and in love and scammed on and majorly creeped out, I wish a lot of guys just knew this crap. Being a girl can already suck, so being a girl around a some sucky guy is something I think we all could do less with. (Really?! “Can I watch you take out your tampon?” REALLY?!?!?!)

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About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 09/15/2012, in People--The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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