Challenging Change

It is amazing what all can change in a matter of days.

For instance, my grandfather’s death, my two-week trip to Australia, my transition into high school again and again, if I love or hate my dad, and my depression. Who knew that a couple of days could turn everything around so much you can’t even tell the difference between being awake and being asleep. It really just makes you want to stop and catch your breath.

It is amazing what all can change from one conversation.

After having a long talk with my mom, including ten or so minutes of crying, I decided to do something to make myself happy. Something I thought I would never do to get–of all things–happiness. But surreal as it feels, I have decided and acted and am willing to go through the inevitable explosion to come.

I am MOVING ON.

As in done. Finished with Mr. Wrong and going for Mr. Someone New. Well actually not even going for, have gotten. I actually have something pretty concrete here.

Look, I know I rant a lot about guys and their constant run in with a little thing I like to call stupidity (which I have definitely ran into myself; please don’t be offended). That has to be really annoying to read about. “Oh she had some fight with her ex? Big deal. I ate a tuna fish sandwich today, maybe I should write about that. *insert sarcastic face here*” Yet, and yes I am actually going to try to justify this, yet I can’t help but feel lost in these situations, and take advice about my conduct in them very seriously. I don’t want to be stuck with sucky feelings people can dish out, and so to calm down my super-analistic brain I rant. There. Here is the point where you need to stop reading if you don’t care about this crap (although why you would be reading this in the first place would be a fair question to ask).

For nearly a year now, I have desperately tried with my ex boyfriend to make things work. We both loved(love?) each other and were(are, on his part) determined to make things work. We have both gone through mountains of shitty situations in this almost-year, but kept faith in the idea of one day being together and at ease with life.

But here’s the problem. For almost a year I have wanted someone to care for me, to hold me and listen and tolerate my cheesy jokes. And he has wanted something else: me to be with him exclusively, but without the relationship label or any of the responsibility that comes with it. I told him a month ago that I wanted all or nothing. He said he needed some time. So I gave it to him and after a month we are still having the same what-are-we argument.

So, I refuse to be affected by his guilt trips and accusations and shouting. I choose to ignore all of that, stop beating myself up about it, and be with Mr. Someone New. Because so far I’m really happy when I’m with him. I’m happy and interested and excited about life.

Let’s just hope I continue to shove off the people walking all over me…

Eh, I’m up for the challenge.

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About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 09/20/2012, in All That "Love" Crap, This Whole "Life" Thing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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