From the Negative, Neurotic, Non-Wise Nelly
It cracks me up in the saddest way possible how as we get older we tell ourselves we are wiser. If anything, the older I get, the more fucked up I am. Negative Attributes of My Aging:
1.) Developing Depression
2.) Developing leg/armpit/bodily hair
3.) The amount of time consumed by thinking about guys
4.) Calculus, Trig, my American History teacher from last year
5.) Discovering that my parents had sex to create my existence
6.) Caring about what other people think
8.) Lack of recess & nap time
And some other stuff.
Look, I know I’m being all “Negative Nelly” here, but right now this whole “life” thing is getting a bit harder and what do humans do when they are frustrated and sad and confused? Complain. So please at least give me a shot to explain this right…
That guy I flirted with at the movies, one of my friends (Landon), he won’t pursue me because we are “too good of friends”. And I don’t know if that means he’s changed his mind about me, he actually means it, or he never liked me much to begin with. So my hope to be with the person I like is shot to hell, I’m guessing. Meanwhile, Charles and I have been talking. The other night when not-watching a movie we nearly even slept together. He wants to get back together, and now I’m wondering if I just want to sleep with him for closure, or because I’m still in love with him.
And here I am, alone in my room, wanting nothing but to curl up and sleep until I wake up happy. I’m 96% sure if I got back together with Charles that it would end as it always has, resulting from the same issues all over again. But he is always there for me, he loves me, and it feels right between us, as it always has. Yet, I so wanted to try it out with Landon. It’s my senior year, and I wanted that last chance to figure things out with him…I wanted to get to know him better, and have that delicious feeling of discovering something wonderful (him) running through my veins.
And the absolute worst part of this is how much I hate myself for caring about this nonsense in the first place. Why do I feel so lonely when I could think positive and be happy? Why am I not stronger?
WHY AM I STRUGGLING SO MUCH TO ACCEPT MY MISTAKES?
I know I’m not perfect, not “normal” according to society’s standards, and an overall pretty decent person. So how do I keep tripping up over these small issues that turn into mountains?
When I was a kid, I knew who I was, liked myself for it, and only cared about what my parents thought of me. I didn’t try to throw parties when they were out-of-town, have sex with boys, and take Prozac everyday. I was perfectly living up to all of the expectations of being a kid.
Anymore, I just expect to make myself more unhappy with every passing day. So, am I wiser? I think not. I am only succeeding at disappointing others, and hurting myself.
Pretty uplifting to read about, isn’t it?
Posted on 10/24/2012, in This Whole "Life" Thing, Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged depression, getting older, low self-esteem, teenagers. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.