Someone Worth Saving?
Posted by diagnosemylife
There I was. Curled up in the driver’s seat of my car, in the driveway of the place that I have called home my entire life. But that house was empty, and it only reminded me of how empty I felt on the inside, how hollow a heartbeat can feel when the heart itself has given up, in the most spiritual aspect. So I began to cry.
It was just as any sad moment should be, the air was cold and my arms fought to keep me safe and warm, my tears came slowly down my cheeks, my nose. Outside the world was quiet, and yet I knew that if I was to stretch beyond my own barriers that I could find life in it. Just not my own life.
Just about every possible person I had ever spoken my feelings to was busy. In fact, all of them were. Everyone I had opened my heart to seemed to have closed their door without cracking a window. So where was I, but inside my own car, the only place I can feel alone and safe by myself. What was I going to do? It was a question I only murmured in my actions, and did not dare ask aloud. After all, I was sobbing into the dry air over my ruined image of myself, over the mistakes I seem to never escape, over fear of the future and myself, over lost love and lost expectations.
No one has it all, but I had managed to lose the few pieces I had picked up over the years. I felt scared and didn’t know where or who to turn to. So there I cried, wanting to punish myself needing anyone yet again.
My phone was beside me, mocking me with the magical numbers that led me to believe those people in there could help me. Yet, as only would, I decided to contact Landon, the guy who had seemed to lead my heart out to open sea. (Did I mention that I can’t swim?) Twenty minutes later, after informing him that he had the voice of a pedophile, I was pouring out my soul and my tears to someone I had never before opened up to, and telling them how guilty I felt for being unhappy with the blessed life God gave me.
“I wish I was there with you.” he said this, and I tried hard not to let it mean what I wished it would. He was so kind, listening, willing to hear everything, and promising to be there for me. Could people just do that? Have I been oblivious to the kindness people could perform, or just oblivious to the kindness Landon had in him?
I cried the entire phone call, and for about thirty minutes after, too. I don’t know what to think of Landon’s miracle-like support…I don’t know how not to wish for romantic possibilities after something such as that. I don’t know what I will do…if he feels perfectly platonic then if I keep running around with romantic nonsense in my head I will lose one of the few genuine people in my life.
I just want to feel like I deserve love again, as cheese-tastic as that sounds. Most of all, love from myself.
Landon is coming over soon to talk and check up on me. I don’t know what I will say. I’ve felt numb ever since the tears have dried, but I know there is impending sadness ahead. All I can hope for is some spark of salvation to help me out of this growing hole.
I hate that I am too weak not to save myself.