Faults Cut Deep
Sometimes in life you just have to tell yourself it wasn’t your fault. It’s not your fault that your friend is upset, that your job doesn’t provide enough for your gas tank, that you feel like you haven’t slept in the past ten days. I’m not saying to blame the world, I’m just saying that some stuff you need to just let go before you twist a situation into another phony reason why you are a sucky person. Some stuff just doesn’t deserve that kind of attention, and most (if not all) people don’t need the extra dose of low self-esteem.
Gee, if I had only known this a good three or four years ago. Then again, I know it now and I still can trip up over the actual execution of letting crap go. I pass out blame, alright, but I take a good 99% of it and leave the world with a whooping 1%. That’s how I deal with situations. Letting go for me means forgiving myself. Only sometimes I get wrapped up in situations that have gone wrong only I don’t know what exactly to blame myself for. Take relationships. You can blame yourself all you want for a breakup, but until you actually have an idea of what you did wrong you cannot forgive yourself. And so, you cannot let the break up go.
As much as I try to be brave, to just let myself forgive and forget my faults, it doesn’t always fly. Honestly, I’ve taken to cutting myself to relieve some of that tension. Which I actually consider an upgrade to my past method of smoking marijuana, but not by much. Though I’ve mentioned my cutting to one of my therapists and a friend or two, I haven’t done much to rectify it and neither have they. I understand its dangerous link to another serious bout of depression, but I still feel very in control. In a strange way, even more so than when I’m not acting self-destructive. There is no guarantees how often it has to happen, if it will happen again, or how deep the cuts will or won’t be. And I like that. I like that for once I get to choose how far my feelings will take me.
I know this information could very much hurt my friends, my family, and whoever else, but what can I say? Sometimes in life you have to tell yourself it’s not your fault.