Life, Depression, And Other Things You Might Not Care About
Life. Some people think it’s complicated. Some think it’s easy, so long as you keep a positive outlook. Others think it’s easy, so long as they have their crystal meth. Generally, people recognize that it’s confusing. You life could consist of being some cancer patient, a hobo, a millionaire, a celebrity, a dictator, a prisoner, a martyr, a clown, a teenager writing some stupid crap on the internet about their insignificant life…
But anyway, you could always be better off. You could always be worse off. So either way you lose, because both those things mean you have to suck it up when life gets messed up. Easier said than done. What’s really the thing that gets me is the moments where you feel like you’ve screwed up your entire life. And you’ve had about ten of those. Whoever came up with the concept of the mid-life crisis obviously forgot what its like to be a teenager.
My latest crisis all started on Thursday afternoon. I had a shrink appointment that I was not looking forward to. The session before I had completely shut down on my therapist because she was reminding me of my mom and it pissed me off. Despite what a lot of people think, shrinks are people too, and all people have relationships with another, no matter how strange. So it’s sometimes hard to not treat them like everyone else and care what they think, make assumptions, and get somewhat attached to their company. You get pissed off at them, frustrated, happy, all that jazz. So I wasn’t too sure how this next session would go, and actually considered dropping individual therapy, despite my cutting.
Well, my pissy mood didn’t last because there was this girl in the waiting room with me, drawing. And I’ve got this problem with sitting in a room with one other person in absolute silence for an extended amount of time. I kept looking over, because for some reason she really reminded me of me back when I was motivated and artsy. So I finally ask what she’s drawing and before I know it we’re chatting it up and she’s giving me hope in finding inspiration to draw again, which almost sounds like a metaphor for finding hope and inspiration to keep the whole “life” thing going…
So then my shrink comes out, who is also this girl’s shrink, and it’s time to bare my soul. I exchange my blog info with her, and just like that, I made a new friend. Not too bad for a depressed, awkward slacker. Well, that kind of gave me courage and all, so I sat down and told my therapist flat-out why I was pissed at her. And then I bared my soul and started crying and blabbering and all that embarrassment.
After that I decided to go see my best friend Val and see how her day had been going. And so what was supposed to be a twenty-minute hello turned into hours of hanging out. And then my man-friend called me. And before I knew it, I was begging my mom to spend the night at “Val”‘s and let me skip school for once in my life. A couple of hours later, I was at his house.
So I spent the night. And it was wonderful, every unexpected and expected moment of it. And just as I was leaving, my mom decided to blow up my phone. So I call her. And guess what? She called Val’s mom. BUST-STED.
Guess who’s grounded?
But you’re wrong if you think I regret it. I have this new philosophy to stop living my life based around what other people think makes a “good” person and start living it based around me, and what I actually want. So that means I skipped taking the SAT/ACT this morning as well.
My mom was PISSED. But I was happier.
Blah,blah,blah, I went to work, Mom calmed her shit down, and I began my night of being a loser/hermit, home alone. And I started feeling awful like I always do. After all, I’ve become super lazy, am failing calculus, dropped speech, am behind on my school work, have a job that barely pays for gas, have a habit of cutting myself, and loads of other shit-tastic things. I had hit my crisis moment.
I’m not going to lie to you people: I am not doing too good right now. I constantly sleep, eat junk food instead of real meals, lack motivation, barely participate in the things I used to love, and keep drawing away from those closest to me. Depression has officially taken over, and I’m on my last leg.
But I’m guessing that you readers have had some sort of exposure to depression and know how it feels to be on your way to rock bottom, where nothing makes you feel alive anymore. So I won’t elaborate any further. The thing I’m asking is, how do you really know when you are ruining your life? Or, even more so, is there any way to know if you are ruining your life? I could list off a bunch of people who might say that I am right now, but I want confirmation from myself. (Because honestly, who gives a damn what other people think about my life when they aren’t the ones living it?)
Side Note: Readers, readers…as much as I try to make this blog exposed to the world (hence the new Facebook ‘Like’ box), I know that not too many people read this crap. Which is okay with me, because the minute I saw that one person had read and liked my first post I was ecstatic. But I just want to let the few of you know how much I appreciate your input through comments, tweets, ‘likes’, all of it. In all honesty, you guys are the only people who really know what’s going on with me, and can relate to my trouble with depression. So, thank you. Every word you read makes me feel one step closer to the rest of the world, and one step farther from life’s complication.
Posted on 12/09/2012, in This Whole "Life" Thing, Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged depression, mental-health, self-examination, teenagers, therapy. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.