Demanding My Answers, Once And For All!
I’m happy. I’m so, so happy. But something is still not right.
Do you ever have that one thing that when you think back to it, it feels like it’s just happened all over again? It’s that moment that never dies, where you feel like you are still in that position, feeling those things, and watching it break your heart all over again. Part of me feels guilty for still being hurt over some guy that doesn’t even matter now….I have an amazing boyfriend, loyal and trustworthy friends…that guy doesn’t influence any of that. So why does it still hurt?
Why. WHY. Why did he tell me sweet things if he didn’t want to stick enough to back them up? What did I do wrong? Was it that I skipped the hand-holding and went straight to the sex? What the hell did he want from me?! I gave him my body, my trust, the inner dilemmas that torment my soul, and he tore them to shreds… he left me. He left me before we even had the chance to be together and let each other care for us.
It’s the end of my senior year. One month from now I’ll be walking out these stupid doors and leaving for a chance to actually make something of my life. I’m done with the play, prom is Saturday, and I’ve been accepted into my dream school…signing all the contracts, crossing the T’s…. I don’t want to still be thinking about this stupid guy who screwed me over back in October. I want to be done.
So then that’s it, it’s decided: I’m going to march right up to him next time I see him and ask him why. I’m going to get my answer so I will always know to never let any douche bag like him near me again. Maybe this will stir up shit and mess up the calm going in his life, but I deserve this, because I was never anything but good to him.
And damn if I’m going to still be mad at him forever…time to move the fuck on from all those negative memories that kept my depression alive, and forgive him and myself.
Posted on 04/17/2013, in People--The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged answers, confusion, decisions, growing up, people, trust. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.