Why the fuck am I doing this, again?
The eternal question springs again.
But seriously, I’ve just finished two pointless essays, and am about to finish one pointless screenplay. What the fuck am I doing this for? Oh right….diploma.
But why am I doing THIS, this blog thing? Sometimes it feels like I’m just talking to a screen. And sometimes is a lot of the time.
I mean, after all, who cares? In the scheme of things, I have a limited amount of people who care about all this bullshit I write about. And it’s not that having thousands of people read what I write would make what I say more significant or important, it’s just that… I want to know someone else feels this way too, you know? I want to know that somewhere out in this fucked up beautiful mess of a world someone can point to what I’ve written and say, “I’m with her.”
Let’s face it. In the world we live in, it is easy to feel like no one is on your side. And the you’re just standing there by yourself with your opinion, feeling like a jackass.
Lately I’m tired of everything at school. And by everything I mean everything. I’m tired of seeing the same faces, hearing the voices of my teachers, having to get up out of bed and dress to impress my peers…what bullshit. I don’t care about any of my classes anymore, with the exception of creative writing and pottery, where they let me do what I want for a change. In all my other classes, I have to sit there and pretend. I’m so tired of pretending….things I used to work my ass off for, like National Honor Society, don’t mean anything.
I had a thought this morning. In August, I will not have my parents anymore. I won’t have my friends, I won’t have my boyfriend. I’m going to a new city, a whole new place, alone. No one will be there to help me but me. I knew this before, but I brimmed with confidence and pride at the thought of being in full control. Now the fear of the whole situation is kicking in. I’ll be fine, but I won’t. Not at first.
And then I remembered that I had to go to school in the next thirty minutes or I’d be late. And I sat there, tempted to laugh with bitterness at the whole idea. High school? What a joke. Every day holds me back from knowing what that separation will be like in August. Every monotonous second drains me.
Meanwhile, I’m not taking medicine. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, but as of now I am still teetering on the edge of CRAZY. Being in school doesn’t help this. I feel like a ticking time bomb. Being with my friends, writing, and being with my boyfriend makes the instability go away.
I have group tonight, though, so maybe I’ll get some perspective there. Hopefully.