Confessions

I’m pissed off.

I’m pissed off that I work five days a week and have negative two dollars in my bank account. I’m pissed off that I get yelled at for getting home past curfew because I was crying in a parking lot to my boyfriend, while my brother can have his girlfriend spend the night at our house and have her up in his room with the door closed (did I mention that my room is next door and the walls are thin? Yeah. And meanwhile, my boyfriend can’t set one foot in my room without me getting screamed at). I’m pissed off that it’s been a week of working at my crappy job and the one day where all I want to do is be alone and relax while playing this computer game “Civilization” (my boyfriend got me addicted to it to the point where I want to play it everyday for hours), I don’t have enough money to buy it (or gas, for that matter. Or the spending tickets I’ve acquired. Or the lawyer for the speeding tickets). I’m pissed off that all I ever do is screw up and get yelled at for it. I’m pissed off that I have less than a month left before I leave this place and my boyfriend. I’m pissed off that I have to start taking meds again when all I want is to be normal and stay there. I’m pissed off that this stupid blog is FOR NOTHING, that my friends don’t bother reading it, or anyone else for that matter. Am I helping anyone, or being helped myself? NO. IT’S ALL FOR NOTHING. I hate it. I hate my life right now. I hate that no one in my family wants to spend time with me without criticizing me.  I hate that all my friends are busy. I hate that college is starting. I hate it all. I hate that my boyfriend has had a lot more relationships than I have had, and has slept with more people than I have had, and they’ve all been good and fine and all of my past relationships remind me why I suck and deserved to be treated that way. I hate that I’m thinking all of this and writing all of this, when no one wants to hear it–people want to hear about how being positive is easy and life isn’t scary and that once you have found love it all works out and that confidence will never fail you and your friends from high school will stick by you and won’t end up doing heroin.

And I can’t write about any of that, because I know none of it.

Sometimes, when people look at my scars where I’ve cut myself they joke around and ask things like, “So why’d you carve a giant swastika into your arm?” (which it isn’t, and is offensive), I think, “You’ve never hated yourself like I have, have you? And you’ll never know how sad you can feel inside when you look at your scars and not regret it. Because deep down somewhere I know I took it easy on myself, and if I truly were honest when I had that knife in my hand I wouldn’t be here right now. So go ahead, look concerned or laugh. If you knew what this was like you wouldn’t say a word.” That’s how I feel writing in this blog sometimes. I feel like I’ve put my scars out there in these posts, and in response all people want to do is judge rather than understand.

I don’t need advice and I don’t need sympathy. I need support, I need to know you people are actually there.

(If you even are.)

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About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 07/22/2013, in People--The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, This Whole "Life" Thing, Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Mich-in-French

    Okay,I have a daughter and she is 13 and a son that is almost 16 and I can only say I can feel that you are feeling in pain, alone and desperate. I don’t have the answers for you – all I can say is that yes, while life is hard and injustice seems to prevail everywhere including within the walls of your home, YOU have the strength to change all of it.
    It all lies within your decision – you can decide to lie down and cut or stand up and start thinking differently about your life and what you want from it.
    We could all take our pain and let it define us or we can take pain and rejection and our insecurities and make a decision that we will not become a slave to it.
    I have read your posts and there is enough personality behind each one of these to make a different decision in life – to start talking differently, thinking differently behaving positively. Worms doe exist but none of us are forced to eat them – I hope that doesn’t sound too harsh but you need to know that you have the make-up to move beyond your stuff and to change the outcome.
    Hang in there – you are not alone and I do believe you will make it and be strong in doing so. If it means anything – I am trusting for you.
    MiF

    Like

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