Let Them Eat Cake?
Yesterday I logged on to ye ol’ blog for the first time in ages, ready to write how exactly how I was feeling. I don’t know how long I stared at that screen (or the wall, or out the window), but finally I just shut my laptop and went out for a run. And it helped a lot, but this morning I woke up with that same pit in my stomach that was there yesterday. (I guess if this keeps going on I’ll reach my get-into-shape goal a lot faster than I thought.) My appetite has gone to shit, too. I’m not finishing breakfast, not eating lunch, scrapping through dinner. And I love food! But whenever I eat food falls into the pit and it begins to seem bigger than before. See the thing is, I’ve talked to so many people about this dilemma and it only shrinks the pit for a few hours, never more. It’s just not going away; I go to sleep sure of myself, I’ll wake up and feel different.
So, what the hell is going on? Sorry, but I can’t say. Not now, anyway. Since I’m still processing this all in my head, I want the final decision to come out of my mouth first, and not words on a screen. All you need to know is that I’m making a big decision that will hurt but be better in the long run. Don’t you hate those kinds of decisions? I try to live for the moment and all, but careers and people and finances ask for planning. So here I am, changing the plan.
Have you ever done something to prevent yourself from doing something else, and have it completely backfire? Say you’re on a diet. You tell yourself, “Shit! SoAndSo brought home an entire chocolate cake, and I’m going to have to try to resist that thing all week! Maybe I should have a tiny sliver of a piece now, that way I can tell myself I’ve ate it and not have to be thinking about how good it must taste….” So you do. And what happens? By Thursday there’s on one slice of that cake left, and you are so happy and mad at yourself you don’t know what the hell to do. Because either way, you broke your diet, so you’ve either got to just go with it, or tell yourself it never happened even though it did and it’s all you can think about.
Well, that’s the situation I’m in, just without the cake and diet.
The worst part is, Saturday is my birthday, and all I’ve been thinking this week is, “what the hell am I doing with my life?” and feeling that stupid pit in my stomach. Before this week I had a safe routine, a safe stability in my life. And then Monday came.
It all goes back to that first decision to just go ahead, taste the cake and get it over with so I don’t have to feel like I am missing out on anything too special. And then I tasted that cake and it was fucking amazing and I hate it. I hate that I’m not being strong like I should.
But on the other hand, you’re only young once in your life. And once you get older, if you eat cake it is worse for your health and harder to work off. So the time is now, isn’t it? The world is beginning to look like a fucking bakery and I’m standing here trying to be on the diet that will be right for me later in life.
If you’re not getting this whole cake analogy, I’m sorry you’re just sitting here, probably craving chocolate cake all of a sudden.
Decisions, decisions…. I guess either way I decide, I’m going to hell for gluttony, anyway.