Stressin’ On Lessons
So, here I am, about thirty minutes away from taking a philosophy exam, and am I studying? Nope. Am I thinking of sex? Yup. Gotta love being a human, right? If I was a damn computer I could focus, but instead my mind is buzzing with possibilities. I guess that’s just what happens when you are infatuated with someone.
Well, I shouldn’t say infatuated. Just…curious. And curiosity is dangerous, which is kind of why I like this so much. Every step I take that is closer, is a step that sets me on edge, and I love that feeling. I love it so much I could get addicted to it.
I guess I should explain. See, a week ago I was determined to make a solid guy friend like all the ones I have back home. So I hung out with this guy I met at a party, just studying over some pancakes. I told him about my boyfriend, and he was totally cool with that. And the more he kept talking, the more we kept talking, the more I knew I had to kiss those sweet, full lips. I knew if I was going to be friends with him I would always want him in the back of my mind. So when he dropped me off at my dorm, and he hugged me goodbye, I stayed in the car. I just couldn’t get out. Finally I looked over at him and said, “Please don’t judge me.” Then I leaned over and pulled him toward me until our lips locked furiously. It was taking a giant breath of air after holding it for hours… My entire body felt ALIVE. “This can never happen again, okay?” I said to his eyes, those huge blue eyes, after I pulled away. “Okay,” he said back, and then I dove straight back into his arms. In that car, we were safe from the outside world, the decisions that were considered “right” and “wrong”. I never wanted to leave, but in the back of my mind my boyfriend was haunting my thoughts. “Fuck!” we both said, realizing again that yes, there was a boyfriend in the picture. I got out of the car and was shaking as I walked up the stairs into my dorm. Once I closed the door to my room behind me, reality came crashing down. It was only a few kisses, but it wasn’t at the same time.
Fast forward a week. Here I am. And I’ll be seeing him tomorrow night. But what about my boyfriend, right? Well, over my birthday weekend my boyfriend was super sweet to me. A real saint, making small talk with my parents, joking around with my friends…and all I could think about was having to tell him we needed time apart, to not be so serious. He was a saint, and I was a dick. I was really struggling that whole weekend, lots of crying, lots of smoking up some leftover high school habits. It’s pretty safe to say it was the wort birthday I’ve ever had. But I hate my birthday, anyway, so I don’t really give a shit. Anyway, one day while I was at work I wrote my boyfriend a sort-of break up letter that explained how I needed us not to be so serious. So that night on my birthday, I gave him the letter. And he read it, and he understood.
But let’s clarify some things: see, if I hadn’t met that one guy over pancakes I would still be in this big, serious committed relationship, and eventually someone else would have come along and did what this one poor bastard did–which was made me realize how I don’t want to look back on these four years of college wishing I had done something else. It’s the things you don’t do that you regret, and if I am meant to be with my boyfriend I will find my way back to him. But for now, I’m not taking my chances on regretting not being the average college student. I’ve never been around so many available guys to date, and to tell myself to stay away has so far limited my experience to just being friends with girls, to not drinking, to not staying at school on the weekends and hanging out with people here. I just…Look, I don’t want to be an asshole, but I can’t ever get this time of my life back again, you know? This is the time to be young, free, and celebrate life…I can’t pass that up.
So here I am, maybe making a big mistake, maybe a big opportunity for something great, but either way I will learn a lesson I know I need to learn… Is this the right the right time for love, or is timing never an issue for love?