The FML Zone
Welcome to college, where a guy in a gorilla suit is playing the accordion in 86 degree weather, where you get paid a dollar to watch a video on animal cruelty, where you make buttons to put on your backpack that say “No thigh gap, no problem!” all in one day.
Earlier I went to this event sponsored by the Women’s Center called Stitch And Bitch, where you literally sit around knitting and talking about whatever is on your mind. I went with this girl who lives down the hall from me who is in my French class, and then afterward we just hung out in her room and talked a bit. It’s funny, today I’ve been talking to a lot of people around me, people I may have said a few things to, but never really thought would give me the time of day. And here they are, giving me the time of day. It makes me wonder if maybe I should put myself out there more, instead of assuming I’ll get stressed or people will blow me off. And yet, here I am, in my dorm room, and I can’t help but feel alone. Since last Monday I’ve been on a whirlwind of “hangouts” “dates” (whatever you want to call them) with this guy, and last night I slept with him. Suddenly, I don’t want to text him, I’m afraid to ask if he wants to hangout. It wasn’t good sex, but I miss the company, the few moments where we would tease/joke around with each other. It felt nice to have another friend. And now? Now I don’t know what to do. I feel like we’ve hit a roadblock, like there’s nothing left to say or nothing left to experience together. What would we do if we decided to hang out, but not at his place? What would we say? It makes me feel real shitty inside, like I’ve cheated myself a genuine relationship, and let someone have me too soon. But at the same time, I don’t want to be this guy’s girlfriend. I just want…What do I want? I guess I just want to feel wanted–like that someone gives a shit about me besides the people back home. I want someone to like me for who I am, and not what my ass looks like in my jeans. I have that someplace far away, but now I need that support here. I need someone who will wash away my worries of becoming locked in my shell. Maybe these people in my classes that I talked to today are the answer, but my heart doesn’t want to give up on this guy.
In high school, you had your family, your friends and loved ones right at your side. In college you learn how to become someone without their guidance. I’m just scared that my depression will get the better of me and lead me into the dark, yet again. My support system will be far away, and without the closeness I crave I might get to the point where I don’t care if I get better.
After thinking all of this out I called my boyfriend. Just hearing his voice I realized how lucky I was to have him, and to have a relationship where I can even talk about taboo things like this. “I don’t want anyone else,” I told him, “but I don’t know what to do….It’s unfair to just right away change my mind after I went through all the trouble to get things this way.” I told him I’d sleep on it. A large portion of me wants to get back to where I was with him, to being serious and in love and okay with it all, but another part is saying, “So the first guy you tried seeing was a dud. Why are you throwing in the towel when there are hundreds of other people out there?” I just don’t know what to do. My self-esteem is caving, and the stability of my life has vanished. It’s stressing me out, and just promoting the “FML!” attitude in me. Honestly, I just want to get high or get wasted to the point where I don’t even care, to where I feel good about things in my life again. And I know that is definitely not the answer, but my self-destructive tendencies are kicking in hard and fast. Last night cutting sounded so good, especially since I haven’t done it in the longest time. But then out of nowhere my friend Caitlin knocked on my door, and suddenly pouring out my heart to her made the bad thoughts silent. Which was really lucky for me, and makes me wonder if it’s a sign or something from God. But now is not the time to suddenly kick my atheist ways, on top of everything else. I don’t know who exactly I am or am becoming, and I’m worried it is not someone I will like at the end of it all.
Welcome to college. Where figuring out who you want to become and what will make you happy in life happens all in one day, every day.
Posted on 10/03/2013, in This Whole "Life" Thing, Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged college, dating, decisions, depression, low self-esteem. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.