New Words To A New Song
If there’s one thing in life to be grateful for, its music. Just the fact that I’m alive and can hear it is amazing, a friggin miracle in itself. Music is one of the few things that manages to calm my heart, mind, and soul all at once. I’ve always thought to myself how great it would be to have the job of picking the soundtrack to movies, because I always have this playlist going in my head, a soundtrack to my own life. And finding a new song or new band that you love is like falling in love over and over–to find people who feel exactly like you do sometimes just validates who you are.
But enough of my rambling. The struggle of figuring out my current feelings relationship-wise goes on. I saw my boyfriend over the weekend and it was great. He really is my best friend, someone who has seen every part of me….so nothing about how I feel about him has changed, of course. I still love him, and I know I always will. Saturday night he brought up this whole situation between us about monogamy. He’s trying not to be jealous because he wants whatever is best for me, and knows that even if I see him on weekends he is one seventh of how I spend my time, and that I have this whole other life at school. He knows that jealousy isn’t a logical feeling, that it is “my problem, not yours. You’ve done nothing wrong.” But it’s there. And how do I feel? Well…”When I’m with you I have this really high level of happiness, and when I’m not around you (at school and/or with other people) it goes down. But I don’t know if that’s because I’m necessarily unhappy or just simply less happy.” All I know is that I love him and want to be with him.
As for how I feel about other people, well, I like the freedom of not having to shy away from guys hitting on me, but that doesn’t really mean I like them. In fact, that one guy I was talking to has turned out to be kind of a douche-bag. I haven’t seen him since last Tuesday/little bit of Wednesday and he hasn’t made any effort since. So much for having a friend, even if it was with benefits. The friend part was what sold me, without it I have zero interest. But whatever, I’ve dealt with douche-bags before, and I try not to take it personally.
I feel like this is the time to just focus on me. To listen to music, to go on my runs, to hang out with the girls in my dorm/my classes. Guys aren’t that big of a deal, really. My boyfriend is the one who has my heart, and no one else can touch that, so I shouldn’t take anyone else seriously at all. I need to figure who I am again, and how this new me is going to fit with this new life. This isn’t high school, where I have no control of how my decisions are made. Now is the time for me to explore all genres of life, like I do with music. Not everyday has the same beat, so why should I?