Too Many Questions, Too Little Sanity

Sometimes I wonder if this self-destructive streak in me is imagined or actually very real and present in my everyday decisions. Sometimes I know what’s good for me, but instead of actually doing it (like homework, going on a run, drinking more water/less coffee, socializing with the people who live in my hall) I just brush it off in favor of something that lets me avoid it even further (getting on Pinterest, looking up clothes online that I can’t afford, hanging out with a person I don’t exactly trust yet, going out to the frats on Friday nights, eating chocolate). Whether its real or imagined, I’ve known about it for sometime–heck, I think I first noticed it the first time I became depressed. Those days where I wouldn’t go outside at all and just wallow in my patheticness were the first that I actually questioned, “Am I my own worst enemy?”

So anyway, as per usual, this all goes back to a real-life situation I have at hand. There’s this person I work with, slightly sarcastic, cynical, indie rock music taste, shitty-dresser, smart, and very particular. They are the only coworker I have that I actually talk very much with, and we are even on a basis where we make fun of each other (which for me is the foundation of every friendship I’ve ever had). Anyway, so this coworker and I work every Monday night together, just us, in the campus copying center. Mostly we both do homework and my coworker will play music on Spotify or Grooveshark or whatever, occasionally helping customers, but mostly doing an abundance of nothing. (Have I mentioned how much I love this job?) Anyway, sounds like a pretty good basis for a friendship, right? There’s a problem though. They’re graduating in December–making them a senior, and reinforcing the fact that I am a lowly freshman. And does that honestly matter? No, but when you add it with us just being coworkers it makes for a stand-still. Honestly, this coworker is one of the few people at school who I feel truly knows me for the weirdness that I am. And no, okay, they don’t know my deepest darkest secrets or whatever, but they get me. They give me credit for my humor and make me feel at ease, which is a rare occurrence. But we can’t be friends…can we?

What the hell am I supposed to say? This isn’t second grade where I can just go up to the crying kid in the room and volunteer to be their friend (how I met my friend Val, an over ten-year friendship). There’s a fine line to walk. I can either do something risky, like invite them to hang out which a) they could decline, b) they could decline and then be totally awkward around me at work, or c) could mistake me for hitting on them and then proceed to never speak to me again from utter horror. Or I could just not be friends we them, and keep things the way they are, which slightly sucks. Either way I seemed to be screwed. And you haven’t even heard the worst part yet:

I sort of have this school-girl crush on him.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I’d rather have a good guy friend to pal around with, not just some other jerk who will ditch me whenever he wants. (Not to mention, I have a fantastic boyfriend…who I’m in an open relationship with…but that doesn’t mean I should do something stupid just because I can!…Right?…Aww, geez, what’s wrong with me…)

I should just forget this whole thing, right? I’m just blowing up nothing, and will ruin the best almost-friendship I ever had with him. Besides, just because you are attracted to someone doesn’t mean you should do anything about it. I’m just out to get myself…out to screw up the fragile stability I have in my life right now. This isn’t even important… I mean, yeah, I’ve been thinking about it for weeks, but I didn’t do anything all those weeks then why should I do something about it now? Are there certain people you are never supposed to be friends with? Damn, is that even a real question?

I’m just sitting here, typing, and just a minute ago I even asked him, “Do you think we are always supposed to be friends with the people we get along with?” Needless to say, he didn’t know how to answer it, because it’s a strange, ambiguous question. “Aren’t you already friends with the people you get along with?” See, this is the difference between men and women. Women blow up their brains with over analyzing (or maybe that’s just me–I shouldn’t generalize), and men don’t even have a concept to over-analyze, because the problem only exists in the woman’s head. Yeah, that sounded really sexist didn’t it? My point is, my mind is all screwed up, and I hate that only fifteen feet away, my coworker is completely oblivious and watching the Cardinals game.

Maybe I’d just be better off if I stopped asking so many questions. (But isn’t asking questions one of the first steps to gaining knowledge?)

So continues my “struggle”.

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About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 10/28/2013, in People--The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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