Rainy Day News
It’s cold, rainy days like these that I remember the old days. Days from my freshman year of high school when I’d walk home from the bus stop in the rain. Days where I’d stare out the window of my history class and wish I was outside, free to roam, rather than cramped up in some crappy building all day long. These are the days I would feel the most content or lonely by myself, the ones where I never put down my iPod, where I’d close my eyes to feel the wind on my skin. And today is no exception. It’s a day for thinking, writing, appreciating myself for all that I am and all that I’m not.
I’m not together. I’m very much the definition of an uncertain, frazzled college student. My major hangs around me like a bad smell, my love life is a mess, and my favorite parts of the day are when I’m either eating, napping, or walking. I’m not bubbly. I sit and ponder and make normal, everyday things part of a big philosophical discussion in my head, all with a sort of frown on my face. I am someone capable of affection, and am willing to give it constantly to those I wish to. I am someone searching for purpose and reasons to fight for happiness in life, for people to help, for things to improve (but also appreciate for what they are). I’m not good at planning things out, and am always running late. But I am usually up for anything, am willing to try new things, and make decisions spontaneously.
Why am I writing this? Well, in a lot of these posts I have some sort of dilemma I’m sorting out (like my stupid love life), and I’m getting pretty tired of it. I’m tired of putting myself on trial for making the decisions that I do, and analyzing the possible outcomes over and over. The thing is, you never really know what is going to make you happy in the future, just what will make you happy right now. So I’m done with this battle of, “Is this the right decision? Will I regret this next month? Next year? What if it goes all wrong eventually?” Screw it. I’m not going to live my life by rules I don’t have reasons for, and am going to cut myself some serious slack.
I can only be myself; I can’t be anyone else for anyone else.