Once Upon A DoucheBag

As a person with depression, one thing I’ve always strived for is to be positive. Which is so much easier said than done, because let me tell you, when you’ve been depressed for months straight and hear someone say stuff like, “Oh, you can overcome anything if you just try hard enough.” “All of life’s struggles are blessings in disguise.” and my personal favorite “Just put your faith in Jesus and he will lead you in the right direction.”, you tend to be less than amused. People who have told me directly to “cheer up!” have seen my death look many a time, and can tell you it isn’t pretty. However, I like to believe this people are genuinely trying to help, rather than make me wish I had a baseball bat. See, positivity?

Ok, maybe that isn’t the best example. Despite my apprehension toward inspiration phrasing, though, I always try to make it a point to let others know I am there to listen, to lend a shoulder to cry on, and to tell them how truly great they are as people when they are having trouble believing that themselves. So to me, that’s positive. I know that most suffering makes us stronger, but I also know that after you find out you’re getting laid off or that your dad has cancer, that’s not exactly the thing you need to hear.

Anyway, so cynicism, while tempting, is rarely helpful. But lately I’ve been having some struggles in avoiding it….

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time in a far away land that was known for its large meth and heroin addiction, a young mental health patient went to a high school and met this guy, Sir BlameALot. Blah blah blah, they got together, fell in love, and then broke up because they were both too screwed up to make any sort of legitimate relationship work. So the mental health patient decided to be with someone she did not love, but could give her what Sir BlameALot could not. Well that didn’t last, because this new guy, Sir SmokesALot dumped her on their one-month. But she was pretty okay with that, since she didn’t care much for him, anyway. So then our young patient learned that this fellow Lord FuckedMeOver, cared for her, and while she was struggling to slay the dragon of depression she called on him for aid. He fought by her side gallantly, professed his devotion to her, and then two weeks later was cast under a spell called, “It never happened”. So our mental patient was devastated, and tried desperately to find him a cure. But Lord FuckedMeOver quickly became transformed under the spell’s power and soon forgot that she ever existed. Sad and pissed off, our young mental patient went to a tavern with her friend Lady Let’sParty. Lady Let’sParty introduced the patient to her good friend King Petey, and quickly the two fell in love. For many ages our heroine and King Petey lived happily together, but then our mental patient was called into battle, where she would move far away into the land of Higher Education. The two vowed to continue loving each other though apart, and did. But in the new battle zone, the mental patient caught the vapid disease PlayTheField. Even with his love under such a different condition, King Petey still loved her. But because of the illness, our mental patient became ensnared in the clutches of two knights, Sir SmallerThanLife and the Duke of The Lumberjacks. Sir SmallerThanLife had convinced her he would be a dutiful friend and was kind at first, so due to the disease PlayTheField, she became infatuated. Soon after, though, while both had a terrible encounter with the Monster of Horniness, she realized he was a poor knight with terrible equipment and fighting skills. It didn’t even matter, though, because after their encounter with the monster he was never seen again. Then, with the Duke of The Lumberjacks, our patient was ensnared with his brave leadership and decency among the other lumberjacks who basically just wanted to show off their lumber. So for weeks the Duke showed her around the lumberyard and introduced her to all the guys, being a real decent lumberjack, and then as soon as our heroine defeated the Monster of Horniness with him, BAM! He vanished into the Forest of DoucheBag. So, amidst all the chaos, the young mental patient decides to retreat home from the land of Higher Education to rest. And as she is enjoying being amongst her friends again, she is courted by an old friend, Lord Ninja. Now I know what you’re thinking, “WHY CAN’T THEY JUST LEAVE THE STINKING GIRL ALONE?!?” But remember, she’s caught the disease PlayTheField, so now her love life is all fucked up. Our story ends with the young mental patient longing for the past happiness she had with King Petey (that’s now been poisoned by the disease…sort of), and deciding whether she is being cynical when she wonders if Lord Ninja will disappear into the forest of DoucheBag like the rest of them.

Anyway, to be continued.

So now you see my struggle. I don’t want to be the asshole here, or the helpless victim. But I’ve been royally screwed over so many times that I wonder if I have “Treat Me Like Shit” written on my forehead. How the hell am I supposed to trust people? Why do so many people see me as nothing? I certainly don’t see myself that way, and neither do my friends, family, or King Petey for that matter. At a part of the story that is so bleak, it is getting harder and harder to stay positive with my ideas of relationships.

But I guess that’s what the future is for. I remember reading one of those positive bullshit things on Pinterest that said: “Just because something ends doesn’t mean it never should’ve been. Remember, you lived, you learned, you grew and you moved on.”

Eh, I still like Eminem’s “Say fuck it before you kick the bucket, Life’s too short not to go for broke.”