Here’s What Happened:
Well, we broke up.
It happened on Tuesday, after I got out of my advising appointment and found out the schedule I made myself previously was completely out of the question. I was just walking to my dorm and we were texting the normal, “Hi, how are ya?” stuff. Then when I got inside my room I asked him if we could talk on the phone. And I couldn’t press call, because I knew it’d be the last time we’d talk to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. But he called me. And we did the whole, “Hi, how are ya?” thing again, and the “how’s school?” followed by, “You doing okay?”. And then there was this awful silence. Finally, he said, “I love you.” That’s when I started to cry. “I love you, too. It’s just…it’s just…um…I think…I think…I, um, think we should…we should…we should, um….break up.” Not my most articulate moment, I’ll agree. But I’ve never broken up with someone before, and the feeling was just as awful as being the one who is getting dumped. I hate that word, “dumped”. Like you’re just tossed in the trash and you never meant anything to that person. Which isn’t true. I do love him, and he means the world to me. We just shouldn’t be together right now.
Here’s the thing about open relationships: they aren’t the normal, everyday relationships people have for a reason. They are a wedge that grows in between two people until they break up. Because if you want to be with someone, than you should be with THEM, not anyone else. Once we decided to make our relationship open we were doomed. And I found myself missing the relationship I had four months ago more and more, and stressing over the one I currently had more and more.
And so we broke up.
I guess it was pretty civil and decent as far as break ups go, he was calm and positive, I was crying and sad (which sort of pissed me off a little, I’ll admit. Why do I always have to be the crying, emotional person?!), and we both agreed to try to be friends and keep in touch. But now that I come to that little minor detail of being pissed off, a bunch of other things are making me mad, too. Like when he said, “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that [breaking up] a lot too.” Why didn’t he say anything?? I thought it was pretty obvious that I was distancing myself, but he didn’t seem to be, so I was kind of surprised. And also when he said, “You know, you’ve got this blog where I can read about the things in your life, but there isn’t anything you can read about what’s going on in my life.” Well what the hell is going on in his life?! Has he been seeing anyone??! Scratch that–I don’t want to know if he’s been seeing anyone. The thought makes me super sick to my stomach, and even though I’d be a huge hypocrite for not wanting him to be with anyone else, I can’t help but think it. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I miss my best friend. And this is going to be hard.
But I am 100% sure this was the right thing to do. He doesn’t deserve a part-time girlfriend, and I’m at a point in my life where I’m not ready for a big commitment. It’s been the best year of my life, being with him, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But life goes on, and if we want to someday build a future together, we will.
So, where does this leave me? In control. For the first time in a long time, it is A-okay for me not to have a clue what my intentions are and what exactly I’m looking for. I am once again the classic version of myself: confused, ready for adventure, searching for life, and finding everything I didn’t expect in the meantime. After all, tomorrow I leave school for Thanksgiving break and who knows what will happen this next week?