Some College Perspective
Here it is, the last two weeks of the semester. I have two exams this week, three finals next week. This is what I’ve been dreading and hoping for since August–to be finished! I thought that as soon as I would get back from Thanksgiving break I would snap into action… Wrong! I feel lazier than ever, and spent my first school day back taking four different naps. I know it’s almost over and that I just need to keep the hope alive, but all of those days of doing nothing during break let me brain slide back into its normal, vegetative state.
However, there are a lot of reasons I’m glad to be back at school. I forgot how luxurious it is to just be able to walk out the door and go where I want to go, do what I need to do without any explanation. Having my parents ask about my plans every single day and ask where I’m going, who I’ll be with, when I’m coming home is a royal pain in the ass. First of all, I’m not in high school. Second of all, if I wanted to, I could cut all my classes every single day, drink and party every night, and bring all sorts of guys back to my place at school. But I don’t. So they should trust my judgment by now.
And as much as I love my family I hate feeling trapped in my room in our house. In my dorm room I always have my roommate or Caitlin over, and at home it’s easier to feel lonely. I know I could spend time with them, but home doesn’t really feel like it’s mine anymore. I feel like I’m borrowing everything off of someone else’s charity and that I should have a space of my own.
Oh? and did I mention my parents constantly bickering? I never noticed how unsettling it was to be around unhappy people, to be home, until now. I get so sick of the constant waves of guilt, annoyance, frustration, and responsibility that overwhelm everyone, and spread like an infectious disease. I want my home to be happy, not full of pretense and stuffy silence (when there isn’t yelling).
But, I do miss my friends, the company of my dogs, the conversations between my mom and I, and driving around my old hometown. There’s both a freedom and a suppression of being there.
It’s funny how when you get older things change. The wonderful people your parents were and the happy home you lived in begin to fade, to be replaced with something more honest, more real, and therefore sadder. But I guess it’s those realizations that push you to become different from your parents and the life you’ve known. More than anything, I want to push myself outside the box and the world I have built for myself.
But, in the meantime, I’ve got those exams to study for. It’s funny how school, which is supposed to make your future life better, can get in the way of actually living life right now.