A Relationship Eulogy
I’ve realized something. Something terrible. Something so horribly predictable that it was almost as if every stupid romantic comedy movie got together and designed it. This is something that has been lingering but hasn’t been brought to my direct attention until now: I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
See, this is the part about love that pisses me off. You can’t shake the feeling. You can go without seeing a person for a month, dismiss the relationship from your mind completely, and still know that if they were to show up on your doorstep just to kiss you one last time that you would melt into a giant puddle of I’m-reconsidering-my-whole-life. Which is terrible, because I don’t even regret breaking up. In fact, I think it’s one of the few sensible, I’m-ignoring-my-stupidness-and-not-screwing-this-up decisions I’ve ever made. So why can’t I just pack away the loving him like I did with all of the other stuff that he ever gave to me or reminded me of us?
Love is difficult, complicated. Like people. It’s hard to let go of that I’d-take-a-bullet-for-you feeling. Because even though you’ve broken up, they still have all of those freckles you’ve found so cute and those arms that have held you while you cried, those lips that you kissed a thousand times…. God, I’m about to puke…. I hate it. I’m fighting off being angry that our relationship didn’t work. If two people love each other, shouldn’t the rest take care of itself? Why the hell does life have to shove its way in and bully your relationship until it shatters?
But, I wouldn’t take it back. I guess I’m at the part where you deal with all the good memories, all the moments that made you think, “God, or fate or unicorns or whatever the hell did this, thank you for putting this person in my life. Thank you for their existence. Thank you for letting me be alive to witness it.” And that’s a lot harder to deal with than the memories of the relationship’s downfall. You still love them, and you know that there’s nothing left to do with that feeling. You can no longer give them that love, it no longer makes your life feel secure and put together. The only thing that’s left is to let it go, which you can’t do overnight.
I hate feeling like I don’t have control over my emotions. I hate that I won’t be able to love someone else until I get over my ex. But most of all, I hate that the happiness we once shared is gone.
As long as it makes him happier, though, I won’t mind.