The Chaos of College
Today I take my first final, and Green Day’s song “Brain Stew” reaches a whole new level of understanding for me. It’s not that I’ve even been studying that hard, to be honest. It’s the mixture of anticipation (for going home and being DONE!!), desperation (to make the grade!), stress (finals, packing up everything in my room for my new dorm next semester, packing for Christmas break), and lack of sleep (for the past four days I’ve been waking up at 11 am. Today I had work at 8am. I want a nap like a lion wants a zebra for lunch.). And even as frustrating and distressing as that mixture is, I know there are lots of students who have it worse. However, because I am a college student I still feel like I have complaining rights.
Anyway, the final I’ll be taking is French. Je ne parle pas frances. My translation of that is, “I’m only taking this class because it is required and nothing about it makes sense to me”. It’s not that I hate my actual class–my instructor is an actual native and tells us lots about actual French culture (for instance, if I look deep into the recesses of my French notebook I could tell you how to say, “I’m hungover” in French. Oh college…). And the people in that class are funny; most of them struggle at French just like I do. It’s just the actual French that makes me gag. The sentence structure, the pronunciation, past tense, future tense, present tense, the conjugation…. All of it is a big pile of poop inside my head. But I’m determined to get through this final, to pass and go on with studying for my philosophy final on Thursday. And after that unpleasantness is over, I’ll be home free.
So let’s talk about home. I am fully aware that after the first week of being there I will want to cry with boredom and fight the urge to get in a cursing match with my dad on a daily basis. But, then again, you don’t realize how much you miss the little things until you’re procrastinating studying for French. Little things like brushing my dogs, not having to put on flip flops to shower, driving your car almost everyday, having your room to yourself. I also plan on reading an absurd amount of books over the break and try out “Supernatural” because a lot of my friends have started watching it. I’m more excited about the big things though, like seeing my friends, going to a Christmas party on Friday, and…well, I’m just going to put it out there: my new boyfriend.
At this point, I’ve realized that rationality and non chaotic decisions are not a usual occurrence in my life. In a lot of ways, this was a really stupid decision. But, in a lot of ways, I’m happy I said yes to it. Here are a few of said reasons:
- I need romantic stability. I’m tired of feeling awful for needing people, so I am switching to needing person. I am not a slut. (Shut up, I’m not!)
- I’ve doubled up on my Prozac. This is sort of a shitty reason, but being more at-risk for falling into a deep depression makes the idea of being by yourself more less appealing.
- I never thought it would happen. Not ever. This guy and I have been friends for about a year or so and even though we would flirt constantly, it was highly unlikely that either of us would let the other have an opportunity to hurt our pride.
- I like this guy! He’s fun, it’s new. I know it’s sort of a dead end relationship because he’s at home and I’m at school and next year he’s going to be even farther away at a different college, but there isn’t a lot of pressure because we just started dating. And it’s been nice getting to know him, so why not just go for it in the meantime?
As I said in my last post, I will always love my ex-boyfriend. And it sucks to know that when you want to be loyal to someone else. But if I don’t move on and be happy, this break up could send me to the hospital again, which I’m trying to avoid. So yes, I realize I’m now officially a world-class asshole. I sort of knew that title was coming since day one, anyway.
So this has been the report from the battle front of college finals week, I’m signing off for now and will probably return later when I’m in the safety zone of home. Good luck on finals to all fellow students and have a wonderful final-free day to everyone else!