The Story of This Blog
Here’s the thing about having a blog–I constantly have so many ideas about things to do to make it more interesting, so many possibilities gripping me every time I see the plainness of each page (or lack thereof) that I’m constantly dissatisfied. Everything I write seems really whiny and awful too. It lacks the depth I desire….but at the same time isn’t fluffy enough to be entertaining to most. Having a blog is such an antsy process…you constantly want change, but are completely uncertain of how to go about it!
When I started blogging, I did not picture myself an old hippie dude sitting on an English-style toilet. And, thankfully, that’s not a completely accurate example of how I write today. But it still isn’t the stylish image society leads you to believe where I’m sitting in some indie coffee shop drinking chai tea and wearing a beret. It’s more of a sitting-in-my-sweats-on-my-bed-in-my-mess-of-a-bedroom. There’s no beret, and to be perfectly honest I’ve never drank chai tea because it sounds disgusting. I know, I know…I sound like such a terrible writer. After all, it’s a complete abomination to be a wannabe writer and not live in New York City, not wear mostly black, and to be a non-hip coffee drinker! *cue Alfred Hitchcock sound effects* But I guess I’m a rebel that way. Wait–except I’m not a good rebel either. I don’t have a cool tattoo, I’m not some kick-ass roller derby chick, I don’t have a short, edgy haircut. If I matched the person I am in my head, I’d be that person. But instead I’m this sort of misfit, less-read and Eminem-listening-to version of Hermonine Granger from Harry Potter. Only the Hermonine from the books–not the stunning Emma Watson. Who writes a blog. About depression and the weird stuff that happens in her life. (If you’re not familiar with Hermonine, I’ve also been compared to Tina Fey in the most modest sense.)
I decided to start the blog for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I was writing these essay-type journal entries about issues I couldn’t change, but still wanted people to listen to and read. But I didn’t want anyone in real life to know it was me. So I decided to make an anonymous blog where I could just be myself without having the people I knew in real life picking apart each word and twisting it into something that would fit their judgements of who I am. I wanted a place to put all of this passion, this need to do something helpful in one spot where people could read and listen if they wished. Only here I am, over a year later, and all of this passion I had about the world has been pasted over with criticisms about not being funny enough, not being smart enough, not being entertaining enough, not being tech savvy….and where do these criticisms come from? From me, of course.
There are so many times when I will come to the ‘Add New Post’ menu only to exit out, afraid that what I have to say will not be worthy enough. I live so much of my life through misplaced emotions, relationships that have gone astray, and that is what I write. But what I truly want for my life is the ability to roam, to go witness people and places and things long forgotten that once meant something—maybe even meant everything. That is what I want to share with the world, and write about for you all. But that is not the life I am living right now, and until I do, I will never be good enough for myself.
So far I have only lived a life of wanting this–when will I finally have a chance to live it? When will there come a day where I feel good, feel useful, and feel at ease with the knowledge that I am doing what I was meant for?
People write blogs for all sorts of reasons…maybe this is just proof to myself, to everyone, that I am indeed alive when I feel so stagnant where I am. Or maybe this was always about finding a way to love myself while time passes…While I felt alone.
There is one question I always like to ask myself when I make decisions about what I’m doing in life—“I am alive; but am I really living?” I want to start living…now.
Click here to listen to what I’ve been listening to while writing this post!