“I Think I Can, I Think I Can…”
Posted by diagnosemylife
Here I am, world, lying in my bed typing out this silly thing, while the man I love lies asleep next to me at thirteen minutes past midnight. It’s like I’m already some ambitious 40 year-old who writes on a blog at the wee hours in the morning in semi-secret when she isn’t working some mediocre job and raising a couple of mangy kids.
While it may sound like that, I assure you that I’m still in college, and because I’m ambitious I have no mangy kids and no desire to be the person I just described 20 years from now. If anything, I’m going to do this soul-searching bullshit now, so later in life I can write about less self-oriented things and start writing novels like I used to. But, here I am, listening to my boyfriend breathe deeply (slightly on the verge of snoring sometimes, but it’s more cute than bothersome) and trying to write something about my life that will be both meaningful (ha!) and something people actually read (double ha!).
On a side note, I really do miss writing stories like I used to. My last one was getting sort of good actually, and for the longest time I was so excited about it… But it’s not good enough. I always wanted to write a story that impressed people, but I think next time I should just try to write what I think people need to hear. After all, the books I love aren’t necessarily highly intellectual pieces of poetry, just stuff that I can relate to that sometimes makes me cry, fall in love with fictional people, and spend hours in curled up reading positions that make my entire body one giant foot cramp.
So in my last post I had that to-do list. I’m making more progress than I thought I would!! I’ve done 8 of the 14 things, and started to do at least 2 other things. One of the things I’ll have to wait until I get to school to do, and another isn’t possible for me to do either. I’ve also been doing other productive things that weren’t on the list like spending time with my mom, figuring out what I’m going to give my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day (because let’s face it, once that swings around I’ll be totally focused on participating in the Vagina Monologues), getting my car looked at before I make the two hour drive back to school, and spending time with my friends before they go back to school. It’s been a wee bit stressing, but actually more fulfilling than I had imagined. More than ever, I feel hopeful and positive about this new semester at school. There’s a lot of changes since last semester, such as:
- My dorm is now on the opposite part of campus that I never went to because it is completely out of the way…but it is also closer to downtown, so hopefully that will inspire me to go exploring!
- My best friend at college, Caitlin, is now no longer two floors above me and is in a different dorm on the opposite part of campus…looks like I’ll be getting a lot of exercise going to see her.
- My work hours have changed…get to meet more co-workers!
- My classes are all in the morning/early afternoon…at least I won’t be having my two o’clock nap in class anymore.
It’s a major disrupt to my comfort zone at school, these changes, but I know I’ll get into a new routine in no time. Plus, this semester I’m focusing more on branching out and trying new things, so what better way than with a brand new space and some brand new people! I’m really proud of myself for putting it in those positive terms, by the way. Whenever I first got my new dorm assignment, I believe my words to describe it was, “I’m not fucking living in that hell-hole!” So as you can see, I’ve adopted a more zen approach to this semester.
One thing I’m still not all chipper about is the knowledge that my wonderful boyfriend and I will be parted once more. Long-distance relationships suck you-know-what, and I highly recommend not falling in love with someone who doesn’t live at most an hour away. The worst part is, a part for the distance itself, is that every time I try to talk to him about it I end up crying. I hate crying!! I feel like he’s watched me cry like five times over the duration of Christmas break and the last thing I want to be is a giant sap-pot. If only he wasn’t so comfortable to talk to and cry on….he brings this on himself.
Anyway, all I want is to love him and be loved by him. Even though the distance is an issue, I’ve realized that I’m happier loving him than I am pretending I don’t (a prime example: our entire three week break-up). I know we won’t be able to have the same physical comfort and affection we have when we are together all the time, but if last semester taught me anything, it’s that I only want those things from him, even if they don’t come as easy. I want to be with him, to love him, maybe even for the rest of my life. But life has a funny way of taking everything familiar to you and turning it upside down.
I guess we’ll just see how it all turns out. Maybe we will get through this, maybe this semester will be the best of my life (or at least better than the last), maybe I’ll complete my entire to-do list and I won’t end up still pining after my teenage dreams while I’m forty. I don’t know if any of that will become true, but it’s what I need to believe.
(Click below to hear what I’ve had stick in my head while writing this!)
About diagnosemylifeOkay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?
Posted on 01/17/2014, in This Whole "Life" Thing, Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged college, goals, long-distance relationships, staying positive, the future. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.