Love, Vaginas, and Some Other stuff

So to describe catch you all up of the happenings of my life, let me start by saying that last week was terrible. And this week isn’t.

I just missed my boyfriend so incredibly much. Every moment I felt like my insides were aching, and my eyes heavy with potential tears. Monday was fine, sleepy and over before I knew it, but Tuesday and Wednesday were excruciating. There was snow so campus was closed, no classes, and constant Netflix. My roommate was staying at her boyfriend’s apartment so I had the room to myself. At first I was relieved, but soon I became mopey, and the room became a box. There was no one to talk to, and I was lonely. Thursday was a tired version of the same thing, only I was out-and-about and feeling resentful of the happiness other people had. At the very end of the night I Skyped my boyfriend, though, which helped.

I told him he was the one. It’s something I’ve been thinking for a long time, but afraid to say. Kind of like when I first knew I loved him; it took me a good long while before I actually had the guts to say it. Well, that night I needed him. I was 28991991320681671ixzPL2pUcneedy and desperate and sad and I just figured if I was already so exposed then telling him wasn’t much of a risk. So I did, and he just sat there looking at me and I just sat there panicking and sneaking looks at him. And so right away I typed, “sorry” even though I wasn’t sorry at all. And he typed, “Don’t be sorry!” Then we told each other “I love you” and I changed the subject. But I know it’s true. It’s true right now, and I’m confident it always will be. Because as much as the seriousness of our relationship scared me last semester, breaking up made me realize that there is no point of being of scared if I have him in my life. Because he is there for me, through thick and thin, no matter where we stand. And I want no one else by my side in life. So basically, if he suddenly drove here tonight and proposed I’d say yes.

Not that I’m ready to get married anytime soon. We are both poor college kids and ideally I’d like to be older when I start thinking about all those marriage shenanigans. I’m just saying, that’s how committed I am. And honestly, I always sort of imagined that being so committed would make me less independent, but I’m not. If he was always around, I’d still like to do my own thing and hang out with my friends and go to work and all of that. Life doesn’t stop for him, but rather it includes him. Whether he is here or over 100 miles away, he is always on my mind. Well, “mostly” I should say…I’d like to think I’m not creepy enough to think of him while going to the bathroom and weird stuff like that.

Anyway, so enough of that romantic stuff… I started taking my Prozac again, and over the weekend I hung out with my few college friends, so I’m feeling better. I’m also throwing myself into helping promote The Vagina Monologues, which is Saturday! I can’t wait for the show, to go up on stage and ask, “What does your vagina smell like?” Hahaha… But in all seriousness, the education I’ve gained through my experience in participating so far has been incredibly eye-opening. Domestic violence, incest and sexual assault, as well as so many other issues many women face need to be talked about and STOPPED. I’ve seriously been considering making a social issue/feminism page on the ol’ blog for some time now…What do you think?

But what’s also super-duper exciting is that my boyfriend is coming into town on Valentine’s Day and will get to go see me perform in it!! Yay!!! Having a super cool feminist-friendly boyfriend is the best thing ever in my book. And I love that he is so supportive of things that are important to me. So I’m feeling pretty great about Friday. And I’m not going to worry about how I’ll feel when he will have to leave on Sunday, because I’m taking this one step at a time. It’ll be okay.

Doing things for a good cause like The Vagina Monologues and learning about people who need to be stood up for makes me feel powerful in a good way, like I have the chance to change someone else’s life. The people I’ve met through it arePlay_VaginaMonologues super cool, too. All of them are really educated about social issues and are super open-minded. They are the type of people you could talk to without having them judge you, and that’s a rare find.

But yeah, other than that, not much is going on with me. I finished all of the Mad Men and Orange Is the New Black on Netflix, and on Friday House of Cards starts up again. I went to French tutoring today, because it turns out I still epically suck at it. It’s been so cold that my hair freezes on my way to class when I shower in the morning. My roommate is driving me crazy. Dining hall food is losing its flavor. It’s all just another day in my life.

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About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 02/11/2014, in All That "Love" Crap, This Whole "Life" Thing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Hi there! I’m still following and reading your blog, enjoying all the posts very much. Last time I read you felt a little bit out of place this new academic term esp. not knowing too many people yet (i can imagine having your roommate point it out so squarely does not help either!) I get that a lot too… whenever i’m in a new place i get so much anxiety, and every “bad” thing that happens is somehow exaggerated 10 times worse in the new environment. But I hope you are settling down better and things are improving (slowly but surely!) Whenever my boyfriend goes out of town, even for a week, I feel so upset. It makes me feel so alone and needy… Maybe I feel like I’m being left beside or something. So I think it’s so brave of you to have a long distance relationship, and good on you for owning up to your feelings! Best of luck with your performance and enjoy your time with your boyfriend!

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    • Thank you so much for your comment–I mean, it really just made my day! I’ve talked about the whole anxiety thing with a couple of my friends and it turns out I’m not the only one stressing out over not knowing a bunch of people. It definitely is exaggerated in my head too, like everything is against me at once: my load of schoolwork, my lack of friends, my not-so-polite roommate, missing my boyfriend, etc. And the loneliness and neediness is definitely something I feel as well! Sometimes I’m afraid to tell my boyfriend how much my happiness revolves around my love for him, but I think as much as people try to pin it off as being needy, it is really due to the fact that it feels good to love someone and to be loved, and that is really just a product of our human nature. That’s just my opinion, though. Thank you so much for the luck and the thoughtful response, I wish you the best as well and look forward to reading more about your life on your blog! 🙂

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