Tuesday Night Reflections
It’s a Tuesday night, about 50 minutes after I usually go to bed (that’s 11 o’clock for all of you who don’t have an 8am class). My roommate just left and so I am left with the room to myself, a comfort you don’t realize until it’s gone. It’s almost shocking how much people modify their own behavior in the presence of others. But alone… you aren’t ashamed to take goofy snap chats of yourself, to play your music no matter how loud or embarrassing it is, or to let your eyes wander without fear of meeting a stranger’s eyes on accident. That’s one thing I will cherish when I have my own place—freedom. Even back home, the only place I really felt comfortable was my room unless no one else was there.
Doesn’t that suck? The idea that you have to wait to be yourself until you’re in your early to mid-twenties, and even then it is just at your home. One thing I always liked about the country is that you can be alone outside, with just mountains, valleys, or endless plains to judge you. But why do I have to wait until I have my own place, or to possibly move out to the country? Why is it so hard to be myself, by myself, in front of others? Almost every teenager can attest to the ease you feel around your true friends—almost as if the rest of the world isn’t there. I just need to figure out how to be comfortable being myself around people who haven’t known me for years.
This first year at college is rapidly drawing to a close and I’ve begun to reflect on what I need to do different next year. Number 1: Make more friends. Number 2: Be a tad more involved in what’s going on around me. Number 3: Work on my self-esteem. As much as I’ve enjoyed my time here, I haven’t. I haven’t explored, I haven’t embraced anything outside my comfort zone. And as much as I wish I wasn’t so timid, I accept that I was this year. But next year will be different. I’ll know what to expect, and I’ll be more decisive with what I want out of the school year. And as easy as it is for me to say all of this now, I’m committed to putting in the effort next fall to making these resolutions come true.
But for now, I’ll keep working on my feminism page for this blog, keep fighting off the urge to skip my classes each morning when I wake up, keep being thankful for what I have, and keep trying to figure out what I want out of this life. It’s all very uncertain right now, but I’m content to see where the road takes me.
Oh god, that sounds really cheesy, doesn’t it?