It’s the guilt that weighs me down. I live in a constant state of guilt. When I do things for myself, like watching Netflix or taking a nap, I am wasting time not being productive. When I do things for others I am being a people pleaser, and living my life for other people. I can’t win.
I hate that in our society you grow up thinking that you’ve not only got to be something, but be the best at it. That’s one thing I hate about being a writer. I am not competitive–in fact, I am anti-competitive. I don’t give a damn if I’m never number one or the President of the United States or Britney Spears. I don’t want honor from anything but my own heart. All I long for is to be content. I long for helping others and appreciating sunrises and walking to most places and eating good food. I don’t care about prizes. But at the same time I am young and scared that I am wasting the precious time I have by doing nothing.
It’d be cool to join the Peace Corps. And I want to go to Europe. And I’d like to go out with my friends and take a crazy road trip. I’d like promote women’s health rights in local legislation. I would like to paint a picture, even if it sucks.
But I am stuck at school, and if I’m not stuck at school I’m stuck at home. I’m stuck. I want to explore and figure out my life, but I don’t want to be far from my boyfriend like I’ve been all school year. And I need to work so I can save my money to start paying for things for school. And maybe I’m also scared because I don’t really know what I’m doing with life.
So I feel guilty because my solution to all of this is to watch Netflix, or nap. Or just focus on other people instead of myself. And that just doesn’t do anything about all of this guilt, pinning me to the floor.
Maybe all I’ll ever be in life is average, but I won’t stand to live my life anything less than happy.