Misery Doesn’t Love Company

I just want to cry. I finished my last and only final a few hours ago, and I feel nothing. No skipping down the streets, no screaming in delight, no jumping for joy or even a celebratory nap. Nope, I feel like crap. Maybe the word ‘drained’ would be better than crap…I knew it couldn’t last, this happy streak I was on. When I stopped taking my antidepressants I was calm and optimistic that maybe I could make it a good six months without taking a turn for the worse. I have the feeling now that I was wrong.

To make things simple, here’s why I feel so terrible in a handy-dandy list:

  1. I just looked at my boyfriend’s Facebook page. I always want to throw up after I do this, but I do it anyway. All of the pictures of us have been posted by me. His profile picture is just him, not us. So many pictures of ex-girlfriends that he posted and commented on about how good they look or how much he likes them… I hate that I think these things and compare, because it’s not right or fair to him. And it also makes me look at him and wonder if I really know him. (I hate Facebook)
  2. I never got that boyfriend who posts pictures of us and comments on how much he likes me. Not once. I’m lucky if I have a single picture of me and any of the guys I’ve dated. I never got the sweet guy until now, after I’ve been dumped on time and time again. And I hate that I can’t forget that fact or stop being so pathetic, throwing myself these little pity parties. But it just hurts a lot, you know? It hurts that everyone I’ve ever given a damn about didn’t want to stick around. It makes me hate myself.
  3. My french final went horribly. I blanked. At one point my french teacher sat down by me, patting my back saying, “It’s okay. You know this, trust yourself. You studied.” It’s when she got up that I started to cry. I didn’t know it and didn’t trust myself and didn’t study as much as I should have and that was the first time she had ever shown me any kind of sympathy. I tried my best, but I won’t make it to French III.
  4. I don’t want to leave school, but at the same time I do. I don’t want to move back home for the summer or be stuck in that small town again, but when I’m at school I’m stuck in my room. I want the people at home in my new life at college. But I can’t have it, and now I feel like I don’t fit in either place. I feel like I did college wrong.
  5. I hate this whole list, and every crummy sentence in it. It all makes me super sad, and I hate myself for being sad. See, my boyfriend isn’t feeling too great right now either, and I need to be strong for him. I want to do everything I can to cheer him up, and I don’t want to make him worry about me. I should be better for him, but all of a sudden I feel so out of control of my emotions…it’s the worst.

How do I know this is not just a run-of-the-mill stressful night? Because I don’t want to talk to my boyfriend. I’d rather cry myself to sleep, alone in my room, than talk to him or my friend Caitlin or my mom. I know it’s wrong, but I just can;t bring myself to do it. Sometimes misery doesn’t love company.

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About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 05/14/2014, in This Whole "Life" Thing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Chin up…your allowed to get upset and depressed..allowed to take the alone moments to feel it..deep with in you..happiness is there..one day soon you will awake to feel the happiness again…if you didnt feel your sadness you wouldnt know when your happy..so i say….your list is good…dont hate yourself for knowing your feelings…

    Like

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