Does love ever die? Can you ever completely stop loving someone you felt so strongly for long ago? These are questions that fill my head when I’m around Charles. He was my first love, and our strange relationship will always be an important part of my past. That was the relationship that affected my entire take on relationships, that was the relationship that took months and months to recover from but also gave me a whole new perspective on myself. We were best friends, we spent almost all of our time together, we built each other up and tore each other apart. And I wouldn’t trade those memories for a lot of things. And here we are, two years later, and when we hang out from time to time it is like slipping back into junior year of high school again…like not a single day has passed. Everything is different, but at the same time it feels the same. We laugh, we argue, we divulge into our innermost feelings.
Why do I bring this up? Well, on Monday evening we hung out. Every two months or so, we catch up with each other and ask about each others’ lives. I ask about his family, he asks about my friends, blah blah blah. All this time, though, I could never shake the feeling that he still liked me. He’d bring up our past as if it happened last week and want to analyze what went wrong over and over…. I hated it. All I wanted was for him to meet someone and fall in love so we could be friends, not exes. But as annoying as I found this, I would still want to see him to know everything is okay in his life. I’d get curious about what he was up to at school and stuff like that…he’d pop into my head while I’d be driving home from school on weekends or when I was watching the minutes go by at work. So Monday he texted me. And I was curious how he was. And so we hung out. And sure enough, we ended up talking about us. But this time…it was different.
Is love ever silly? Sometimes when I think about my past self, this ridiculous idea of romance I held in my head, I can’t seem to take it seriously. Compared to my love for my boyfriend, these past illusions of “love” and “happily ever after” seem obsolete. But sitting here, thinking about the past few days with Charles, I’m starting to wonder if the true question is if we hold some love more important than others. Do I sometimes write off the love I had for him because I find the person I was with him so disappointing? When I look at the things I wrote about us, about him, I think this is true. But I also think I had a more romanticized version of him in my head than what I was actually dealing with in real life… What I mean by diving into all of this mess of a thought process is: could it be possible that there is a version of us that lives in the present?
I am beyond happy with my boyfriend. We are about to go on our first vacation together, a roller coaster adventure, nonetheless, and we are enjoying the ability to see each other so much more than we can when I am at school. It’s just the “what-if’s” that keep getting to me…. I have too much damn curiosity for my own good. I convince myself that I will be unhappy in the future if I don’t embrace every possibility of the now. It’s stupid…like taking what I have for granted, and not being grateful…I just hate thinking that certain chapters of my life can already be over before I’m twenty. It’s pretty messed up, I guess.
Does love ever die? Does curiosity? These are the questions keeping my at the border of total mental destruction…at least for now.