Letting Go/Holding On
Life is an infinite process of letting go. If I’ve learned anything from my first year in college and this summer so far, it’s that I tend to dwell on my mistakes and the people who have hurt me. It’s a habit a lot of people with depression tend to have, and can muck up the present with all of this thinking about the past. But sometimes it can make what you see around you a little clearer.
Everyone has a past. Events collide together like waves that wash up onto our “destiny”. If my boyfriend and I had not gone to the same birthday party two years ago we probably would have never met. If my best friend hadn’t left us that night I might not have let him kiss me, and if he had never messaged me over Facebook later that week I probably would have never messaged him due to shyness. But things happened the way they did, and here we are. I am so lucky to be with him, to get to share our lives with each other. And this incredible act of coincidence or fate or God would never have been possible without our pasts. The good and the bad, the parts we miss and the parts we wish we could forget. So, upon reflecting about my last post, I’ve decided that it’s ok…all of it. The rejection and betrayal I felt because of Jake, Jack, all of those people in the past. The fact that Charles and I will probably never be friends again. The reality that Landon will probably never own up to taking advantage of my feelings for him. It’s ok because it lead me here, and here is a truly beautiful, beautiful place.
Instead of analyzing where it all went wrong, I know it is far much better to look forward to the future. Someday I hope to find my place in college, move in with my boyfriend, get my degree and a few more, find a real job, get married to my boyfriend, travel the world together, and build a life together where we could raise a kid. The possibilities are out there, and all I have to do is reach out and catch them. And as for the “what-ifs”? Well, I would rather know I have the man of my dreams at my side through all of the challenges life throws at me than have any other guy who could possibly be out there. As important as it is to learn to let go, sometimes it is just as important to learn how to hold on.