The Hazards of Writing
Being a writer sucks. And when I say this, know that I am not a real writer with an occupation in writing, but just some nobody that writes. Even so, it sucks. Writing is one of those skills people like to compare to other things, and that is something I truly despise. Your writing can only be good if it is better than someone else’s, and cannot simply stand on its own. At least that’s how I think the world looks at it. Therefore writing takes courage, and courage is something I’m “working on” (suck at).
I’ve written on this blog for two or three years now. I thought once I got feedback I’d become inspired to write more and more, become better and better, but as time goes on my readers have gone from whispers to dead silence. And silence makes me anxious; silence makes me silent. It all spurs terrible questions in my head, questions like: am I an incredibly boring person? Do I just suck at writing? Should I just shut up and stop bothering these poor people? Do they think I’m stupid? AM I stupid? You get my drift. It’s just really hard to believe in yourself when only a handful of quiet people do.
The other part of my worrying comes from my own scrutiny. Anymore, when I write I feel like I am grasping at straws rather than watching something grow. I will write and read over what I write and have the same conversation with myself. It goes something like this:
“No. No, no, no, no. This isn’t it at all. It’s too simple, too boring. It doesn’t have any passion, even if it may have truth.”
“What happened? I used to whip out three or four poems a day, have a new story idea every month, read at least one book a week! What the hell happened to my creativity??”
“Is it because I’m not depressed? When I was depressed I felt everything around me, and now I mostly feel disconnected from life or wrapped up in my own world… Can being happy make you lose inspiration?”
“I hate this! No one cares about any of this stupid stuff anyway!”
Earlier this month I thought things were turning around. I was working on my FemiNeed page and subpages a lot. But then I took a break, and when I logged back on my blog what did I see? Nothing. No response whatsoever. I thought it would get a lot more traffic because the writing is about social issues, things that really matter, instead of my usual blabbering. It was really disappointing because I was really trying to make a difference, no matter how small.
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for tonight. I would talk about how I’m starting up school soon and the new goals I’m trying to set for myself, but at this point I really feel like it would be a waste.