The Jealousy Battle

jealousy

OR…

jealousy-1

Is there ever a right time to be jealous? My boyfriend and I share a similar opinion about jealousy: it ends up hurting your partner and yourself, and reflects how little you trust them or how insecure you are, and ultimately serves no helpful purpose. He believes this wholly, while I just believe it logically. Deep inside the recesses of my (sometimes) irrational heart I can’t help but be crazy protective of my boyfriend, which cues a raging river of jealousy. Is it justified?

Probably not. Yet no matter how many times I try to sit down and reason with this irrational side, it solves nothing. See, as a woman I recognize that I have the same quality most women have: to scrutinize EVERYTHING about my relationship. What is he thinking? What is he feeling? Why didn’t he reply to my message even though he saw it? Why is his profile picture still just a picture of him even though months ago he said he wanted to change it to a picture of us? Why does his ex-girlfriend like everything he posts? Why do I worry about all of these things even though I know for a fact that he loves me?

This is not a new problem. I occasionally go through bouts of insecurity and jealousy (usually during my period, big shock) and come to the same conclusion every time: I should have just read a book or something instead of going on social media and driving myself crazy. And then after I realize that, I’ll do something that makes me happy and forget all about it until I see him. But then, when I see him and remember and suddenly feel mad, he will see me and smile, and POOF! all of that madness will melt away, now just a puddle on the floor.

But think about it for a second, jealousy is that nagging feeling that helps people catch their spouse cheating; it is that intuition that protects our hearts from the people we love from hurting us, and is an important reminder that no matter how much we can love someone, they will live their life as they choose and there’s nothing we can do about it. It tells us how much we have invested into someone else, but also how much they invest into other people.

I wasn’t always a jealous person. In fact, with my first boyfriend Charles, one of his disappointments in me was that I never got jealous of other girls talking to him. This was only semi-true. I’d feel a little hurt when I realized that he had more dating experience than I had, or that he had asked out a girl who was prettier(?) than I was (now she’s my roommate…It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it?), but that had lasted a week, tops. The feeling would come and go, and was never really worth mentioning because it never made me feel strongly enough to do so. It was like that with all of my other boyfriends too. But now, with my current boyfriend it’s sort of an issue.

I just want people to know we’ve got a good thing going on. That we are soul mates, that we plan on spending our lives together, and that he’s not available, so don’t even think about it. I’m proud of our relationship; it makes me a better person (despite the jealousy) and it is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I get that the people on Facebook don’t necessarily matter much to my boyfriend, but if that’s true, then why would it be such a big deal to tell them he’s happy with us?

“Why isn’t he jealous?” is another question that bothers me sometimes. I’ve asked this about our whole open-relationship thing last year, and he told me he wanted me to be happy, which is nice, but it made me sad. And then over the summer when Charles told me he still loved me, I told my boyfriend and he just said, “okay”. Okay?! If the situation would have been reversed I would have asked question after question, felt weird/mad/sad, and then called up my best friend so we could go slash the girl’s tires. I would have ranted, I would have been completely irrational, and most of all I would have held my boyfriend tight and felt completely grateful that I am the one he chose.

Jealousy. It doesn’t matter much to me, until it does. And honestly, it reveals the inner trivial things that are important to us that we are afraid to ask for…which is good, but also frightening. I think most of us want to believe our relationship is perfect instead of being honest and telling the other person what we need. Jealousy is selfish and it is petty, but what can I say? We are all only human, and all guilty of it. I hope that by revealing how jealous I can get to my boyfriend, we will learn to understand another more clearly and become an even more amazing couple. Because no matter how you feel about jealousy, honesty is truly where it’s at!

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About diagnosemylife

Okay, if I can't keep all this stuff about my life in my head, how do you expect me to shove it in this little box?

Posted on 11/03/2014, in This Whole "Life" Thing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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