Things have gotten interesting… I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a hurricane, but that I am the one controlling it, that I wield all of the winds and waves and clouds. What I mean by this hurricane nonsense is that, HOLY CRAP I’VE GOTTEN A GRIP. And I mean by a grip is that I have a new philosophy: “Fuck what people think!”And this philosophy is not so new, I distinctly remember this mind set from when I was seventeen and “rebelling”, but this time it’s different. This time it’s the adult version of me, unafraid to be open about who I am, but respectful of others.
Things have gotten interesting….Her name is Jessie. I’m completely infatuated with her. That’s right, her. That’s the correct pronoun there, you’re not seeing things. Guess what? I’m bisexual. I said it, it’s there, and you can go ahead and unfollow me if that offends you. But it’s the truth, and I’m not going to keep alluding to it as “the secret” or “this part of me I cannot accept” because I’ve accepted it. BOOM! Bisexual. Moving on.
Back in the fall, when the school year begin, it followed me to school. This lingering idea that I may not be straight walked with me everywhere like a shadow I could not shake, but I just kept walking faster. Me? Bisexual? No way. I would have noticed it before now, I would have figured it out in high school when I figured everything else out about myself. I would have fought about it with my parents, I would have came out to all my friends and hit on girls. I couldn’t be bisexual; I just had come to terms with all of my other baggage.
But that’s not how life works. In college you are still learning about yourself, but you just can’t yell at your parents and then disappear into your room like you did before. You have to decide: will I hide this here at college, or take it home with me when I visit? So I decided. I decided it when I was making out with a girl in broad daylight on the sidewalk with cars and people rushing by. And ever since that moment I have not looked back.
So, the girl. Jessie is what I’m going to call her on here. How did she happen? Well, she works in the dining hall next to my dorm, and all this school year I couldn’t stop looking at her. That’s one of the reasons I knew for sure that this wasn’t “just a phase”. I liked her, and I wanted her to like me. It started one day she commented on my sweatshirt, and then after that we always asked how each other was in passing. Then one day she said, “Maybe I’ll come by [your work] sometime.” And I said, “Yeah! You totally should.” Then later that week she did, and she told me, “I was disappointed not to see you at breakfast this morning.” “Really? Yeah, I didn’t have time for it this morning. I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you either.” “Yeah, your smile is like the best part about my shift.” And then she had to go to class, and she walked away. And I melted.
So where does my boyfriend fit into this? I knew you guys wouldn’t forget about him. He’s known since I have about me being bisexual. He was the first one I told, the first one I speculated with, and the first person to tell me it’s okay. He said, “If you ever want to figure this out, if you feel like this is a part of you you want to go explore, I support you.” “I love you,” I told him. “And I don’t know if I will ever be okay with this part of myself, so for now I don’t want anything to change; I’m happy with us.” Let me get one thing straight (pun intended), I still love me boyfriend, I’m still happy with him. But he was right, I needed to explore this. I needed to know for sure if this was all simply speculation. So I invited Jessie to a show I was in a few weekends ago, and gave her my number. I told her everything, about my boyfriend, my lack of experience with women, the fact that I couldn’t offer her a relationship and that I was an asshole for it. I laid it all out on the table and expected her to walk away. But she didn’t. So we hung out the day after the show, on the 22nd. And shit ESCALATED.
Another note before I go on: my boyfriend knows everything and is okay with everything. We constantly check in with another to make sure we are both still okay with this situation, and ask each other about any sort of jealousy or hard feelings. Complete honesty. And so far it’s working great. He told me this past weekend that he was a bit jealous that Jessie gets to see me all the time because he can’t, but that my relationship with her is still okay with him. I warned him that I could develop really deep feelings for her, and it was still okay with him. So, I bet you’re wondering: What’s the catch? Here’s the answer: there is none. I will never have the inner strength my boyfriend does because I am a jealous bitch, and a hypocrite for being one. So I thought, if he’s not jealous, there has to be a reason this benefits him. It’s a weird situation, why would he agree to it? “I love you and if I’m going to be with you for the next fifty or sixty or seventy years of our lives, then I couldn’t handle knowing that I stopped you from finding yourself. This is your life, you have the right to do whatever you need to do about this.” WHAT?! This guy can’t be real, no one is that nice, that respectful, that selfless! I asked him if this was all to have a threesome or something, he said no. (And now may be the point where you might ask, “Well maybe he’s gay.” Trust me, he’s interested in women.) I asked him if he was agreeing because he thought it was hot for me to be with a girl. He said, “I won’t lie and say it’s not hot, but I’m not going to fetishize your sexuality.” Who is this person?! Who can be so devoted, but not want to “own” me? I’ll tell you who, my boyfriend. So, comment whatever you want about how crazy I am, or mean, or sinful, but leave him out of it. I’ve never met another person so powerful in their convictions, or so compassionate in their love. He is amazing, and I’m sorry readers, I won’t let you tell me otherwise.
So back to the story. Jessie and I hung out that Sunday night. We watched “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” but mostly talked the whole time. And then shit went down once the movie was over, and we stayed up talking until 3am. And that’s the theme, really. Only now we skip the movie. We mostly talk, and time slips by so fast while we do. We can’t get enough. I can’t stop thinking about her, I can’t stop smiling. There’s not a limit to how much I want to know about her, how much I want to look at her, how much I want to be in her presence and soak up every single detail of who she is. How did this happen? How did I go from staring at her every other morning to feeling like she is holding open the door to the rest of the world? Last night I was looking at her, her face so peaceful but full of wonder….so beautiful…and I thought: How could I ever get over this? Every time I see her I think: there’s no way I will ever forget this person.
It’s scary. I’m not supposed to be in this deep, this soon. She has my heart at her fingertips, and if she holds it my life will be up in smoke; the line will be between the beautiful unknown and utter heartbreak, and she will decide which side I will fall on. I’m so scared; I look at her and ask myself, “Is this real? Am I falling in love with this person?” If I am, what will happen to my relationship with my boyfriend? It’s not like I think love is finite, like there’s only so much to go around, but it changes things. When I love someone, they have me, all of me, and I don’t know if loving two people would spilt me in half or force me to choose sides. But it’s too soon to have that conversation, and I’m not going to go there in my head unless I have to.
So that’s the situation. That is how I went from feeling trapped by my own identity to feeling in charge of it, how I can hold hands with her in front of my boss and coworkers and not give a flying fuck. This is the “hurricane” of emotions and life and self-empowerment that I stand in the middle of. She’s worth it. She’s worth everything.
Posted on 03/02/2015, in All That "Love" Crap, This Whole "Life" Thing, Who The Hell Am I? & Other Stuff You Ask Yourself and tagged decisions, relationships, self-examination, sexuality. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.