The 3 Person Situation
If I was a better person, I’d quit right now. But I’m not that better person, I’m me, and I’m too sucked in to quit now. If you read me last post, you know that I’m seeing this girl Jessie right now while also still being in the serious relationship with my boyfriend. The deal is that in May Jessie graduates, and then in August she moves away to Costa Rica. And that’s supposed to be the point where I go back to monogamy with my boyfriend and end this chapter where I figure out myself in terms of my sexuality. But… It’s not that easy. I always liked Jessie, but after getting to know her better and better, I’ve become hopelessly attached. So if I was a better person, I’d break it off now to save both of us even more heartbreak. But I’m not that better person, I’m me.
I’m aware that this whole situation is an asshole move on my part. It’s selfish, it’s reckless, it’s AMAZING. I’ve never felt so sure of myself, so powerful. When I’m with Jessie, I could care less about homophobes. When I’m with my boyfriend, I could care less about judgement. My life is on my terms, finally. The only part that makes me want to give it all up is them. Jessie and my boyfriend, because though they say they are both okay with sharing me, it’s not fair to either of them. And maybe they might tell me, “I don’t care about fair.” but I care about them, and I want what is best for them. So what does “best” exactly look like?
This situation is tricky. It’s all going great now, but I’m nervous for moments when I might have to choose between them. Who do I hang out with this weekend? Who do I spend spring break with? Who’s hand do I hold if they meet each other? Yeah, that’s another thing. They want to meet each other. In theory, I like the idea a lot, because I want to show each person “Here, this is why I care about this other person. Look at their awesomeness!” But then I snap back into reality: if we sit at a table, who do I sit next to? Who do I kiss? Who do I flirt with? Every time I picture this scenario I see myself sitting next to no one, touching no one, like I have leprosy or something. So I’m really kind of hoping the universe will take the reins on this one and let them meet in some non-awkward way.
It’s just such a strange arrangement, dating two people. Definitely not what I pictured for my life at this point. But again, I’m going with my zero-fucks-given policy, so I’m not letting a little strangeness stop me. What might stop me is fear. Jessie could break my heart, and probably will. And while I will have my boyfriend and still love him, plan our future together, and give thanks for existence every day, it won’t erase the pain.
There’s no getting around it: this is a dead-end road, and I’m headed down it fast.