Waiting For That Day
Yesterday was like a dream. Don’t you ever have those days, when you have so much love in your heart and so much happiness in your mind that the rest of the world just disappears? When nothing else exists outside of this moment, this person, this feeling? Yesterday was one of those days.
There is so much I could say about her. Her eyes, her smile, the way she smirks when she says something cocky and the flash of surprise crossing her face I say something cocky back. How contemplative and serious she can be in private moments, how happy-go-lucky and confident she is surrounded by others. I could go on for days about her, but never fully sum up what I see and feel. Some things can’t be put into words (and it is always those things that we wish we could write about, isn’t it?).
I stayed in my college town a night and day after my spring break started. At first I felt guilty about this, because that time is supposed to belong to my boyfriend. But then, just look at that sentence: “that time is supposed to belong to my boyfriend”. Since when does my time belong to anyone? Since when do I not dictate how and where and with whom I give my time to? So I decided to stay a day, and listen to my dad be all, “So what were you doing? Who were you with? Why were you doing that?” this morning. I hate having to give a cover story. I shouldn’t need a cover story. But then again, if I want my girlfriend Jessie to meet my parents (which, still sitting on the fence about that, because it will probably not be pleasant for either of us) then I can’t just drop the “Hey Dad, I was with my girlfriend because I’m bisexual and I’m still dating my boyfriend because we are in a polyamorous relationship right now” bomb and then just walk out of the room. No, as much as I’d like to do that, I can’t if I ever want Jessie to come home with me and see my town and my friends.
I hate thinking about how if she were to visit, we’d be closeted. No holding hands, no kissing, nothing until we were out of my neighborhood. I am proud of our relationship and I don’t want to hide it. But I can’t just start making out with her in front of my family if I don’t want to risk the “you’re getting kicked out” conversation with my dad. And then there’s the issue of time again. Jessie can see me most of the time at school, and my boyfriend only gets to see me when I’m home. I would be robbing him of some of “his time” again. It’s like a balancing act with these two relationships: whose turn is it to spend time with at the risk of distancing myself from the other? Who do I do damage control with and who do I build up the happy moments with? It’s hard to try to fulfill two other people’s needs along with my own.
I keep looking at Jessie and my boyfriend and think to myself, “How did I get so lucky to be with this incredible person? How on earth can I deserve someone as loving as they are?” Falling in love with two people is the easy part. The hard part is showing both of those loves at the same time.
I want more days like yesterday, when I was free and warm and so so happy. I want those days with both my boyfriend and girlfriend. Those are the days where you feel like you are living. Those are the days too full of love for any guilt to slip by. I stand by my choices, and by the two people I love. Now I need other people in my life who love me, like my family, to stand by me.
It’ll be a process, but someday I hope to get there. I want that day, when my parents tell me it’s okay to be who I am and love who I love, to be more than a dream. I want it to be real.