A Land-Mine of Thoughts
Do you ever feel like your mind is just a giant fucking land-mine? That every thought must be tiptoed around, carefully selected so you won’t stumble upon something dangerous? That has been my life for almost two months now. No…the past six months….no, how about the past seven years? Every thought must be analyzed, examined for traces of depression. Only now not only am I looking for depression, I’m looking for a decision about my personal life.
If you read my blog on a regular basis you know that I’m currently in a polyamourous relationship. That is, I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend who know about each other but are not interested in each other. Anyway, this was not a situation I was ever looking for or wanted, it just kind of happened. And while it’s been holding up so far, eventually I’ll have to make a choice between my boyfriend and girlfriend. So now you know why it’s like walking through a land-mine.
I’m just going to be straight-up with you guys: I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Earlier this week I had the first inclination of who I might choose to be with when August comes around, and let me tell you, I wish I hadn’t. Because as much as the not-knowing before was driving me crazy, knowing is so so much worse. No one wants to be the asshole to choose between two wonderful, amazing, breath-taking people. No one wants to break someone else’s heart, especially if it’s someone they love. But I got myself into this situation, and eventually I’m going to have to get myself out.
I talked to one of my best friends from high school about this after breakfast this morning. It was taking a lot of energy not to cry or think about crying (why must I always cry?! Why must I be a crier?!), so I looked through the people I had been texting lately, found her name, and proceeded to word vomit all over her. If she hadn’t heard my rants for years, it probably would have totally freaked her out. Anyway, she gave me some great advice, reassured me that things would be okay with that joking, I’m-going-to-stick-with-you-even-though-you’re-an-asshole voice, and left me feeling much better before I went to go take a french quiz. Here’s the advice: wait it out, talk it out, think it out, feel it out. Sounds kinda weird and suspicious of bullshit, but it makes sense. I need to go through this summer before I can be sure of anything, and check to see where feelings and sparks are flying/fading. I need to talk about where things would go if I chose either person, with that person. I need to calm down and not fly off the handle with any brash decisions. Because I love both of them, and love mixes up your thoughts into an unnavigable brain stew that is almost impossible to sort through.
It’s not just how I feel about them, either. It’s how I feel about myself that’s also changing. I thought I knew what I wanted before I started dating my girlfriend. And now that has changed, and so has my perception of myself. I thought I was determined for that adult future, with my life laid out onto a list format: step one, finish my bachelor’s degree, step two, get into grad school, step three, get married, step four, finish grad school and travel, step four, find a job, etc. Now, I am an uncertain, twenty-something college student who only wants to travel, finish school and get a job eventually, and find someone to spend my time with and give me love to. I don’t know the order of those things, or which ones I want to accomplish first, or if they will change. All I know is that I don’t know, and I who I am is changing faster than I can comprehend. So far I think I am becoming bolder, more assertive and risky and willing to try what is uncertain, but I worry that I am also becoming more selfish, reckless, and unafraid to hurt the people I love in the name of my own happiness. That worry is what is pushing me to start running again. When I am out on the trail I block out all of the questions, and just pour the energy I could use to start hating myself into my footsteps. I don’t want to hate myself, or have the negative thoughts that I do, but when I feel like I am hurting others I hurt myself. I try to take their pain, use my energy for their happiness instead, and am left just an empty shell, inflicting all of the negative things I see and feel on myself. Is it healthy? No. Is it helping? No. So I’m trying to drain that anxiety and negativity into exercise.
Everything I spent so much time and energy to balance has become a haphazard pile of priorities. I spend less time with my friends, I feel more guilty. I spend less time texting and Skyping my boyfriend, I feel more guilty. I spend more time with my girlfriend, I feel better. I spend more time running, I feel stronger. “What am I doing?” I constantly ask myself. “How did I get here?” “Am I making a mistake?”
Am I making a mistake?