Moving Through the Steps
Do you ever feel like you’re watching your life through a window? Like you’re moving through the steps, but you’re not really there? It’s as if the days are a complete blur, the people are just people you’ve dreamt of another lifetime ago, and your heart is completely still. That’s how life feels right now. It feels like a dream, like a bubble just waiting to burst.
I went home last week and it was hard for a number of reasons. First off, it was hard to leave my girlfriend after just moving in with her and starting the summer. A whole week without seeing her, touching her, and sleeping next to her each night was a struggle to imagine, let alone endure. And then there was my dad, who was hard to see and talk to once I got home. My dad always means well—he always is trying to protect me or teach me or provide for me, but he just goes about it the wrong way sometimes. He is blinded by his own opinions and prejudice to the point where he doesn’t care about anyone else’s happiness anymore. Basically, he told my mom flat out: “I don’t want a gay daughter.” Though I wasn’t surprised by this statement, avoiding him for an entire week was a bit tricky. I skillfully scheduled hang outs with my friends, errands, and naps when he wanted to talk or give me jobs to do, all without giving him the idea that I was mad at him. But even seeing him or hearing him around the house made me uneasy. And then finally there was seeing Fred. That was hard not only because it was the first time we had spent time together post break up, but because we were faced with the arduous task of being just friends, something we had never been before. Readers, I don’t know if you have ever planned out your life including a wedding, kids, travel, living space, and career with another person and then broke up and tried to be friends with them, but if you haven’t let me tell you: it is hard stuff.
It started out fine, just the normal, catching up kind of conversations and common interests like Game of Thrones. But then the topics talked about became deeper, like how we both felt about our break up and each other. And then it got heavier, like him talking about starting to see other people and analyzing the last month or so of our relationship. It all boils down to two facts: 1) Fred and I still love each other & 2) Fred and I should not be together right now. Those two facts are enough to stir up a whole plethora of conflict within my heart and mind…but there’s nothing I can do but accept them both.
Honestly right now I’m in the angry/avoiding stage of my break up. Hearing him talk about other people and doing things with other people makes me feel so hurt and so pissed that I would just much rather keep my distance. I really don’t know how I’m going to let him go enough to not feel that way, but still be his friend. I want to hear about his life and for us to be honest with another, yet I also want to vomit at the thought of him sleeping with anyone else. It’s complicated, and only going to get better after a lot of time.
On the other hand, my relationship with my girlfriend is solid. We just keep getting closer and closer, and it’s made a lot of previous insecurities fade. With her, I feel so safe and secure…almost like a dream. I still can’t believe that she’s real when I wake up each morning and see her next to me. And living together has felt very natural so far; I expected it to be more uncertain and conflict-building since neither one of us have lived with a significant other before. But nope, so far we have gotten along great and it’s been stress-free.
As for things with me, other than feeling head-over-heels in love or drudging through my post break up feelings I’ve been in a really strange place. I don’t want to call it a numbness, but there’s a definite avoidance of certain triggering thoughts. I’m not quite sure what I feel to be completely honest…I’m not sure what is real and what isn’t…
I’m at a point in my life where I have absolutely no idea of what to expect from the future. I’m sort of still inventing myself at this point, and am just throwing myself into new things and new people. It’s very uncertain, but it’s exactly what I need.