Stuck in Social Anxiety
Posted by diagnosemylife
A major contributing factor to my very first bout of depression, and the same thing that keeps me lonely on Friday nights and restless on Tuesday nights is the horrible realization that my life will be forever plagued by social anxiety. And while I’m lucky enough not to be one of those people so anxious they can’t leave the house, I’m unlucky enough to have enough social skills to make relationships, and then royally fuck them up with social anxiety. So…here I am, in my sweats with a bowl of popcorn, thinking about all the people I could call up if I only had the courage. Someone needs to take me to the wizard.
I hate fucking up friendships. Relationships are one thing—I’ve fucked up enough of those to just assume that something I do will at one point will bring everything to catastrophe—but friendships are different. When someone gets close to me on that I-can-be-for-really-real-with-you level I do everything I can to preserve it. But this time, well, I fucked it up.
I thought when the school year ended that Caitlin and I left each other on a decent note. I mean, I was doing my best to try to balance time with my girlfriend and time with Caitlin (plus one of our friends), and even though we weren’t as chummy as we had been earlier that year I thought we were still on a friendly basis. But then I hung out with her for a bit a few weeks ago…and it was enough to scare me off. We were in her room, me sitting in the chair trying to keep the conversation alive, and her in her bed staring at her laptop. I was definitely getting some vibes, but she wasn’t saying anything, and I didn’t know what to say. I’ve apologized to her before, multiple times, but it still feels like she’s pissed that I quit being so available last semester. And that’s my fault—I’m guilty as charged. But I just want my friend back, even if I may not necessary deserve her.
And while a normal, rational person might say, “Well then pick up the phone and call her” or “Try to hang out together more”, I’m having the hardest time actually achieving those normal social reactions. My solution so far has been to hide out and isolate myself from almost everyone I know. It’s completely ineffective but also way less scary, even if it does constantly drowned me in guilt. I just keep worrying, What if she hates me? What if she won’t forgive me? I wonder if she thinks I’m a self-centered bitch? I wonder if she will think, “I told you so” when she discovers how fucked up my life is? And these worries are like everything else my social anxiety and depression brings out in me: absolutely useless and counterproductive.
I know nothing will get better until I take the plunge and talk to her. I know I just have to put myself on the line and do it…
But I’m stuck in paralyzing fear…stuck in depression…stuck, stuck, stuck…stuck missing being the person she could love and call a friend.