Self-Destructive, or Just My Life?
It seems like no matter what I do, I have this constant need to make things extra complicated for myself. I try to watch out, I try to tell myself: “Just let things be.” “Quit getting involved!” “Is this really worth it?” But somehow, my self-destructive side always comes back to bite me in the ass.
Let me just give you some real-life examples:
“Quit flirting with your ex-girlfriend.” I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t. We both need to let go of our feelings if we’re ever going to be legit friends. But she’s attractive. And I still love her. And when she texts me I still get excited. …..And if she offered to have sex with me for the rest of eternity I would graciously accept, haha.
“Don’t start dating anyone, or do anything even close to dating. I mean it.” And yet I made myself an Okcupid account. I figured I could meet some new people, maybe make a friend or two, and at the very least take pride in the fact that other people still find me attractive. I wasn’t supposed to meet up with someone right away. I wasn’t supposed to make out with them. But it was just making out, right? That’s no big deal; it’s not like I’m at all serious about them, or that they are serious about me. But still, I don’t want to do anything I’ll later regret.
“But seriously, figure out your shit with Fred.” Yeah, like that’s really going to happen any time soon. I need to be on my own for now (whatever that means), and he’s tangled up in a few friends-with-benefits situations. And honestly I think there are some sacrifices he’s not ready to make, so why should I sit and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for decisions he might never make? But I can’t help becoming involved. I still love him too.
But, even though I’m not succeeding so far in those categories, I did have one triumph…
“Do not send your ex-boyfriend topless photos. Do not. Do not.” And I didn’t. Yesterday snap chatting lead to texting which lead to some deep, personal conversation. It was the first time I had heard from this guy in months (I forgot his alias on here…something with a J, but then again there were like three different J-names). And I don’t think he intended to take the conversation to topless town, but it went there nonetheless. “Go to bed and think about your girlfriend,” I told him. “Or look up some porn. Because no offense, but I’m more than my boobs. But no hard feelings—we’ll keep this between friends.” (And apparently everyone who reads my blog.) So I redeemed myself as a feminist and simultaneously proved myself to be a solid friend.
So I guess I’m still learning. At least some part of me knows when the things I’m doing aren’t necessarily the most logical…now I just have to consistently side with that part of myself when making my decisions.
I don’t know why that’s so hard for me…I wish I was a stronger person, a better person. Maybe it’s time to stop wishing that and start doing it.