A Flashback to Breakup Feelings
So much can change in a month. A month ago, I felt like I was scrambling to pick up the pieces of myself lost to depression and stress. I had just survived a breakup with someone I really loved, I had barely patched together old friendships, and I was sleeping on the floor of an empty apartment. And here I am, a month later, happier than I’ve been all year and excited about my life. It didn’t change over night; I’m still taking antidepressants, I’m still figuring out the role my ex(es) play in my life, I’m still working on building back my friendships to where they used to be. But everything feels different.
I found this in my documents from around then; back when my breakup was still hitting me in all sorts of ways…maybe you’ll relate to it, maybe you won’t:
And it hurts just so fucking much. That moment when you look at someone and know that you will never have some memories back. You’ll never lie naked in bed on a lazy Saturday, you’ll never kiss the back of their neck while they do the dishes, you’ll never feel that kind of invincible love as you two drive off into the night. And the worst part is that they still have the same eyes, they still have those lips. They have the arms that held you and the heartbeat you listened to when you wanted to thank God or whoever for making that human being. You’ll look at them and it will look the same, but feel so different.
I’ll never think of incense or bananas or jeeps the same way again. Every person who passes by me on a bike makes me do a double take. There are streets I never would have gone down, restaurants I would have never ate at, and people I would have never known, if it hadn’t of been for you. Life goes on, but it goes in a slightly different direction because of you.
I wish I would have told you I loved you more at the end. I wish I had welcomed all of those conversations, those kisses, those ideas. I wish I could have been better for you, and I wish that you could have been better for me. It’s one of the worst kinds of sadness to love someone and know that you don’t belong together.
It hurts to look at you. It hurts not to kiss you. It hurts that you don’t need me like you used to. Everything hurts, but is worth it if I can be a part of your world. I don’t want to hope you’re happy, I want to know you’re happy.
Everything is different now, but some of those feelings will always be the same. The people we love change us forever; they give us love that we pass on to the world through the smallest acts of kindness and make us strong enough to love despite any flaws. It’s my own personal belief that love never disappears, that I’ll always love Charles, Fred, and my ex-girlfriend, and that it simply evolves into what we need to change us for the better.
Pretty sappy, right?