Life After Love?
This week just totally fucked me over. I don’t want to get into details, because for once I don’t feel like crying. I guess I’m stuck in denial, because I haven’t watched a single sappy movie or invested in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (although my brownie consumption is getting out of hand). But apart from my lack of concentration in my classes and avoidance of all homework, I’ve been doing alright….considering.
What can I say? In one week I lost the two people I love the most. Not “lost” lost….they are alive and well as far as I know, but they have both disappeared from my life, as if they weren’t the two things that I have thought the most about, felt the most about, and loved the most in these past 6 months.
My ex-girlfriend and I parted ways. It was painful and awful, but unfortunately it was for the best…our roles in each others’ lives just aren’t what we hoped they’d be, so we made the decision not to be in each others’ lives anymore. And then there’s Fred, which I will sum up in four words: complete heartbreak/unanticipated betrayal. But I guess I had it coming. I’ve fucked up a lot of things with both of them, and let’s face it, during this “alone time” I’ve had I haven’t exactly been alone.
But I’m proud of myself, because I haven’t completely fallen apart. If anything, I’m in survival mode…strictly relying on myself and my roommates. I’m still heartbroken, and in terms of the Fred situation I am more angry than I have ever been at anyone, but I’m calm. I listen to my music, I focus on bills, reading, and cooking, and when I can’t hold it together anymore I stare at the ceiling and let the tears fall. The silence between both of them and myself is killing me, but it’s given me a lot to think about as well.
With Fred: I can’t keep fighting for relationships by myself simply because it hurts too much to let them go…I can’t keep doing this by myself.
With My Ex-Girlfriend: I can’t make the same mistakes people have made with me…I have to consider the position I put the other person in, and recognize when the best thing for them isn’t being with me.
All I can do is keep going and trust myself….because that’s the only option I have left.