Looking For Answers/Myself
I wish I knew what to do. As of now, I’m just pretending. Maybe that’s what being an adult is…just pretending to be in control of your life while secretly scrambling to find the answer.
Other people know what I should do. “Go talk to someone” “Get more Prozac” “Let your friends know what’s going on”…I hear these things and rack up a list in my head it’s been maybe 4 or 5 times that I’ve been back to therapy. At least three times of being on antidepressants. And an embarrassing amount of times I’ve gone to people, crying and desperate for help. The list just keeps getting longer. Is this what my life will be—a constant back-and-forth between feeling okay and being depressed? I wish I could stop it. I wish it would be as simple as it was over the summer, when it was just a matter of getting out of my relationship with my girlfriend. But this time it’s the coping that’s not working, and the fact that as hard as I seem to try, nothing can distract me from my feelings. They’re always there in the background, waiting for a moment to get me alone and tear down all those walls I’ve built up.
I’m starting to worry people, and I hate it. I hate causing people uncertainty and distress, of tinging their happy lives with my depression. But it also feels good to hear how much they care about me. Really it’s the love of my friends and parents that keeps me going. That and the desperation to find a reason not to die. But other than that, I feel like my life’s worth isn’t enough to contribute to the world. My future career plans are a mess, I have no idea where I’m going to end up or who will be there with me, and honestly I can’t see anything in front of me. The future is just a giant abyss that makes the present seem pointless. What am I working toward? Why does it matter? These are questions I can’t answer anymore.
But I’m trying. I scheduled an appointment to get a new prescription for meds and an appointment that’s basically an assessment before I can go to therapy. I wish you could just give these people your suicide letter and just get in without all the hassle. But these appointments are better than nothing.
I hung out with my ex-girlfriend last night and the night before. She was concerned, and asked if I wanted to carve pumpkins, so I said yes. Even though our last encounter was more get-out-of-my-life than friendly, I thought it would be good for me to focus on something else than what had happened earlier that day. And it was good for me. I actually opened up about what was going on with me, and I made a cathartic pumpkin carving about Fred. I told about making out at the concert with Miranda, and she told me about the girl she’s been seeing. It was going really well…except for the fact that she was totally hot and all I wanted to do was kiss her. So, things ended up getting a little steamy. I felt like an asshole for not having more self-control and respecting her almost-relationship with the other girl, but I was short-sighted. I love her and care about her, and she’s attractive. I needed her, and for once didn’t try to hide it. So then last night we hung out again. We went thrifting and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. And we hooked up.
I don’t know what’s going on between us, (as usual), but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care about labels as long as I get to spend time with her and hold her at night. She knows about my flirtationship with Miranda and I know about her almost-relationship with the other chick; I think we both don’t know what we’re doing, we just know how we feel.
As for Fred, he’s not doing so great either. We’re both battling our respective depressions, and it’s hard for me to not take care of him while he’s like this. I hate that despite everything he’s done, I still can’t stand to see him so unhappy. But I have to keep my distance. My self-respect, even as low as it already is, would completely diminish if I went back to him. I refuse to let someone treat me that way, even if I love them.
I feel my life is out of my control. All I do is keep screwing up and making shitty decisions. I can’t trust myself to do the right thing anymore.
Who am I if I don’t know myself?