Thanks For the Food, Not the Memories
Posted by diagnosemylife
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I can’t wait for the food, but I can wait for everything else. I hate being around my family, and I hate small talk, so I imagine hell being a giant Thanksgiving dinner where all they serve is salad and non-alcoholic drinks. Luckily, tomorrow I can skip the salad and spend most of the evening in a semi-drunk state where the racist and homophobic things my family says/does seems more amusing than awful.
Last Thanksgiving Fred and I had two dinners with his family and two with mine. I thought that’s how the rest of my Thanksgivings would go for many years to come, but here I am a year later, planning to hang out in the bathroom for a fourth of the night, eating during another fourth, and sitting in the corner miserably drinking a beer/glass of wine for the rest of the night. Boy, there’s no time like the holidays.
I would just spend Thanksgiving with my girlfriend’s family, but the only thing more horrifying for my dad than seeing me this Thanksgiving is having me spend Thanksgiving with my girlfriend. So I ended up being guilted into coming home. It’s been significantly boring and depressing so far, but at least tonight I have plans with my old friend Val. I see a lot of laughing and bitching happening, and I’m excited. Most of the time I feel weird talking about my life to people (hence the need to talk about it online), but with Val it’s different. She always wants to know what’s going on and asks questions. It makes me feel good to know that my life is worth talking about, even if it’s just to her, and maybe two other friends.
In other news, I just came back from a road trip with some friends from high school. It was such a great time; I’m so glad I went. The only bad part of the trip is the dreams I kept having every night. It’s like my brain refused to quit ruminating on my feelings, even for just a few days. So I had anxiety dreams featuring my girlfriend, Charles, Isaac, and Fred. Someone send me back to therapy…
As much as I can’t wait for my classes to be over, I dread the end of this semester because it means I have to spend time with my family over Christmas break and say goodbye to my girlfriend on January 1st when she moves to Costa Rica. I’m not very optimistic about what 2016 will have in store for me, honestly.
I just want to move away and have my own life away from my family and memories of my relationship with Fred. I want my own apartment, the freedom to travel with my girlfriend, and time to have hobbies again. I want to start my own life, and get away from the life created by my family and old boyfriend. I’m not that person anymore, and I don’t belong in the same spaces I used to.
I need a change, readers. A big one. I need to get the hell out of here and move on with my life. I want to be happy again, and I want it to stick.