A Blue Christmas, A Self-Righteous Resolution
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/hope you’re having a nice day everyone. I’ve officially survived a week of being at my parents’ house, and I am so ready to pack up and go home tomorrow. If I have to hear my dad complain about one more thing I might just ask him who shoved the candy cane up his ass this holiday season.
This is a tough time for me, readers. The holiday season this year combines all of my non-favorite things: bonding time with my family who is constantly judging me for not being straight, the impending doom of my partner moving to another country January 1st, and the fact that everything about the holidays reminds me of Fred. I’m kind of glad this Christmas is just about over, honestly.
Since I’ve discussed the first two grievances of the holiday season already (my family’s issues, and the worries about my partner leaving), I’m just going to dive into the third because I feel like I can’t talk about it in the real world anymore. I’ve been avoiding Fred-talk for about a month now, and I’ve been happy with that…until earlier this week.
I don’t know what I was thinking, attempting to talk to Miranda. I should have known that nothing good ever seems to come out of contacting her. But I was so bored stuck in my house, so I thought maybe getting out would be good for me. Well, what happened was that my partner didn’t want me to hang out with Miranda, so I didn’t, and after I messaged Miranda telling her that, she starts messaging me about Fred and his personal life. Mainly, that he’s dating someone else. Someone he made a big deal out of telling me he wasn’t dating last time we spoke. And I’ll be damned if my stomach didn’t drop when I heard it.
Part of me wasn’t surprised. It seemed like almost everything Fred told me after we broke up last spring has been later contradicted by his behavior. But another part of me, a bigger part, just didn’t want to hear it. So I told Miranda I just that, and quit messaging her. After all, Fred’s personal life is none of my business anymore, and the less I hear about it, the less sad I seem to be. Even though I get curious about his life from time to time I refuse to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong. I’m determined to keep my word about not even giving myself the option to reach out until April.
And yet, sometimes you don’t even need contact with a person for you to hold back tears at the dinner table. Christmas time was the time Fred and I started dating, and watching my brother and his girlfriend together this Christmas was a constant reminder of who was with our family last Christmas, but no longer. Fred was my lifeboat during a lot of awful family get-togethers, and since my current partner is banned from family events (due to the fact that my dad is a homophobic asshole) and also leaving the country soon, I’m left to weather the storm alone. I was never supposed to be alone again…Fred was supposed to be there…it was supposed to be 2 years going on many, many more years to come. But now it’s just a big ol’ hole in the holiday traditions reminding me that I chose to invest in someone who ended up being wrong for me.
I’ll be real with you, readers. So many people of this past year will not be in my life for 2016. My partner is leaving, my best friend Ashley has given up on our friendship, and the person I kissed on 12am last New Years will most likely be kissing someone else this year. No one seems to give a flying fuck about being there for each other except a few close friends that remain. I’m entering this new year as a nomad, and while I’m trying my hardest to remain positive about it, it gets pretty damn hard not to throw myself a pity party. Because I miss Fred and Ashley; I miss who they were and what they meant to me. All of those strong relationships I had seem to be going down the shitter, and it’s hard not to look at them and think that it’s all my fault and that I somehow messed up.
But…there is some hope alive. I’m determined to make this extra room in my life full with self-improvement this year. And not any of those bullshit resolutions, either. I want to find things that inspire me, things I’m interested in, and do them! I will be less caught up in my stupid love life this year and more concerned with my future, who I want to be, and how I’m going to get there.
2015 may be trying to fuck me over all through the holidays, but the second it’s 2016 the game will change. I’m not backing down.