Here We Go Again…
Something I don’t find particularly charming about myself is my need to over-analyze my love-life. Maybe I watched too much Sex and The City as a teenager, or maybe it was the attachment to sappy teen romance novels as a preteen, but somehow I’ve turned into one of those people who always has something to fixate over in regards to their heart. And it annoys the crap out of me.
So lately I’ve tried to dial-back the romance talk on my posts, particularly because who really gives a fuck and two of my exes(?) read this. In hindsight, letting my then present-partners see my blog was not my smartest move. Sure, it was great because they got to get to know me, the real me, without the presence of hormones mucking up my thoughts like they do in real life. But it was naïve because later when they both had their moments of assholery, I couldn’t rant about them in an honest way, like I do to my female friends (and Mom). Even now, post break-up, I still watch what I say about both of them, because the written word can always be held against you.
Yep, Fred and Jessie read my blog. Two of the most important significant others that I’ve had (thank God I never revealed this blog to Charles!) stay updated on my recent ramblings, and included in that package is the ramblings about my love life. Therefore, I sometimes like to avoid the subject, but have trouble since one of my major hobbies is pondering, analyzing, and picking-apart my romantic follies. It’s a predicament entirely of my own making, and probably makes all of you readers with better sense laugh and shake your heads, thinking: “Ah, I’m so glad I’m not that crazy mother-fucker…”
But anyway, on with discussing my love life: So, like usual my current situation is a complicated mess that is the result of me trying to do the right thing, but also being young and stupid. Jessie and I broke it off a few weeks ago, right before shit hit the fan and I decided to quit school. It started with “things aren’t working” and ended with him wanting to date someone else. So naturally, I was pissed, because he was being a complete hypocrite. Ever since I told him we should see other people and quit pretending to be nuns/monks (because hello! we live in two separate countries!), he’d been holding it over my head, saying petty shit like, “Well if you really loved me you wouldn’t want to see other people…” But then there he was, wanting to have a legit, full-blown relationship with some other chick. So I didn’t speak to him for an entire week, had my little mental breakdown, and did some soul-searching. Where are we now? We’re better, but still broken up. Since I’ve got a non-refundable ticket to Central America and still care about him a lot, we’re determined to do the whole friends thing while I visit him for a week later this month. But he still flirts with me and considers us something, so I’m wary. Am I still attracted to him? Yes. Do I think sleeping with him during the week we’ll spend together solve any of our problems? No. He doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life, and neither do I, and we broke up for some very valid reasons which haven’t changed despite the fact that he “broke up” with his little side-chick. (See?! You don’t “break up” unless you were legit together! Hypocrite!)
Speaking of, you might say, what about your fuck boy that you’ve mentioned? Well, here’s the thing: I started seeing this fella with zero expectations. He doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life either, and he isn’t into the whole monogamy thing, so we want separate things. Therefore, I was just seeing him casually, going on some dates now-and-then, but not committing to shit. I figured, we like spending time together, so as long as I don’t put him on some sort of boyfriend-potential pedestal it doesn’t matter that we’re seeing each other. But then my grandpa died, and fuck boy was really really nice about it, and then when school was falling apart he was really really nice about that, and the tone of our hanging out changed. I started to trust him, and I think he started to become comfortable with being honest. So now we’re in this place of being best friends, not together, not committed, just enjoying each other in our lives while it lasts…
Yep, the fuck boy is Fred. The same guy I dated for two years who broke my heart into a billion pieces by cheating on me and living two hours away. So you’re probably asking why on earth I’d ever hang out with him again, to which I respond: Look, after a long time of not speaking, Fred and I realized there was still some unresolved things left between us. So rather than go through this huge internal struggle, we just decided to try hanging out a few times and get to know each other all over again. Maybe we’d get along, maybe we wouldn’t, but either way we’d try. And we did. And slowly we became best friends again, confiding in each other about our hopes and dreams and major faults. And despite everything, we’ve accepted each other. So we hang out, and this time we aren’t ruining it by planning a future together or playing the “boyfriend/girlfriend” roles. We just spend time together, simple as that, no monogamy involved. Do I think we’ll run off into the sunset together? Probably not. Like I said, we don’t want the same things, or have any part of our futures figured out. So there it is. All out in the open.
And there’s more, because if you haven’t learned by now, I’m nothing if not complicated. I’ve been on three dates with this girl from Tinder, and I have no clue what is going on. First date was alright, she seemed to like me and was a nice person. I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to her, honestly. Second date was great, we were clicking and I felt something between us. Third date was strange. I was awkward and she was nervous and neither one of us were courageous enough to make a move. I thought I had blown it, really, but now we’ve got a fourth date planned. What she wants from me is a complete mystery, and I have yet to break it to her that I’m soon going to be moving away from college town and therefore can offer her nothing. So like usual, I’m just going with the flow and being a complete jackass.
How do I feel about all of this? Okay I guess…I’m sort of at the point now where all I know is that I’m too fucked up to offer anyone a relationship, so I feel good knowing that Jessie and I are just friends, Fred and I are just friends, and that the Tinder chick and I haven’t hinted at either of our intentions in the slightest. I do feel skeezy about not being straight forward with the Tinder girl, not to mention feeling bad about the inevitable anger of Jessie once he finds out that Mr. Fuck boy is Fred, but Tinder girl is probably better off without me fucking up her life and Jessie will just have to realize that he hasn’t been Mr. Monk-Saint-of-Celibacy either. At the end of the day, I’m still single—belonging to no one but myself and my depression, both of which are making any attempt at a relationship impossible.
So that’s tonight’s post of Something to Make You Feel Better About Your Love Life. Thanks for letting me indulge my self-absorption and divulge my many faults of the heart. See you next week folks, with the a post most likely called Why You Should Never Reveal Anything, Ever.