Where has September gone?! I’m currently lost in a tumble of studying for exams, hassling myself to work out constantly, and getting a grip on how much I miss my long-distance boyfriend. And you would think time passing would make me feel better, more confident that what I’m doing right now in life is going well, but in all actuality it just makes me want to nap for three hours a day. A lot of the time I wonder if my routine is really such a blessing or a burden. After all, there is so much I still haven’t explored…For instance, today I paid my first visit to the campus’ Women’s Center.
What the hell is a women’s center? Yeah, I asked myself that too whenever I first heard about it. Instead of a bunch of girls passing out tampons or whatever, it was actually sort of cool. I mean, yeah, there was stuff about eating disorders and breast cancer, but there were also stuff like free condoms and buttons that said stuff like “I love my thighs!”, which I really appreciated. Not only because condoms are expensive, but that it wasn’t like high school where girls were victimized for having sex. And I don’t know how many times I’ve heard my roommate talk about how much she wants a thigh gap, even though she’s beautiful and muscular as is. Being a female can be great and all, but I am so sick of beating myself up for not looking perfect, and I’m tired of my friends doing the same. I mean, so what if I don’t have 6-pack abs? I still have great legs, especially in heels! And so what if my roommate’s hair is too dark for her taste? She can still rock short hair like nobody else’s business! Another thing I really liked about the women’s center was that it wasn’t all, “women have so many problems and men don’t have a single one”… They had these great posters that spoke up about how guys can feel all this pressure to “be a man”, like they can’t have feelings or need to grow a beard to be considered grown up. In my college experience so far, I’ve felt so much more pressure for both guys and girls to be more like Barbie and Ken.
In high school, we all sort of accepted that there was a limited selection available dating-wise, and didn’t expect much. But in college, with so many options of beautiful available, it’s hard to believe anything less will be accepted and loved as well.
Maybe this is all just in my head, but even if it is, I know people who go through an internal battle everyday when they look in the mirror. Heck, whenever I’m depressed I can be one of them! I just wish there was an easier way to break down these barriers that social stigma puts in our way. I hate how easily people can hurt themselves when they tell themselves they need to be someone else in order to be “beautiful”. After all, if there is no one else like you in this stinking world, why would you try to be a replica someone else?
Just some thoughts for the day. I’m fighting this whole self-esteem battle myself, so just know that everyday someone else is going through the same struggle you are if you are in the same boat. We can do this guys/girls!
Last night before I went to bed I got on here and wrote a new post without publishing it. I was so incredibly angry that I just needed someone to listen and take my side right then and there. Because often when you have a fight with someone you care about, you need someone else to tell you that it is okay to be angry and say awful things and act badly. It can be hard sometimes to justify hurting the people you love even when they hurt you first. So I wrote this thing out and I did not hold back and by the time I ended it I felt so wiped out that I just went to bed.
Well, here it is, the day after, and let me tell you, it has sucked. Not only because it’s Monday, but also because I woke up this morning remembering that all of a sudden things between Charles and I didn’t seem so certain anymore.
Let me explain.
I know females are not supposed to want to have sex and be reckless about it and let people they met earlier that night run their hands all over them, but the truth is, some of us are like that. Some of us have given up on giving a damn. So basically, I am in love with Charles, and I thought he loved me, and I trust him and want him to be my first. Not an awful thing to want, right? You’ve got love, check. Trust? Check. Protection? Check. The previous embarrassment of letting someone see you naked? Check. All signs point towards go. The universe is telling you to collect two hundred dollars (should have known it would go downhill…I stink at Monopoly). And yet, said person does not want to have sex.
DID YOU HEAR THAT WORLD, A STRAIGHT, TEENAGE BOY HAS TURNED DOWN SEX!
“Why can’t you be like girls all used to be, and want it to be perfect and just right?” he asked. “Don’t you want it to be with someone you love?”
Great. Not only am I in love with a guy who refuses to sleep with me, but he also seems to doubt the relationship.
In a way, it’s reasons like that which make me want to do it with him. He’s already hurt me and seen me at some truly low points; no one else would be able to walk on in and hurt me.
That’s what shocked me when I reread my almost-blog post when I got home. It was if I just wanted to get it over with, because no matter what, it would never be perfect because I’ll get hurt.
Maybe Charles is right. Maybe its fair that he wants to skip the tears and energy.
Part of me refuses to believe that. Part of me says he owes it to me to let me lay in his arms and need someone there.
But that might be approaching a girly point of view, where her first is the knight in shinning armor. If you want the truth, here it is: everyone wants to feel needed. To give, to accept, to feel wanted. And that includes being physical with people. As a person who feels less certain about the stability and functionality of her mental affairs, it makes sense that I want to express things through a different outlet.
So sorry Charles, that I can’t just wait until the honeymoon and put you through such torture then. Guess I’m just not the girl who will take “Why?” for an answer.