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My Ex’s New Girlfriend, & Other Hazards

“Well, I’m prettier than her!!”

Whenever you find yourself saying this, you know you’ve hit some sort of low. Not only because it isn’t a creative insult (which, come on, if you are going to go ahead and be mean at least be smart and witty about it), but it also implies that women receive all of their power and worth through looks, which is total bullshit. However, I will admit, almost every female says this to herself at some point to cope with their jealousy/anger/strong-will-to-shave-off-another-female’s-eyebrows-while-she-sleeps. I know this goes against my feminist principles to insult another female through being more appealing to men, because it is my character that determines my true value, but let’s face it: society teaches girls to want to have sex appeal, and ultimately sets them up to take major blows to the self-esteem. So…I’m just going to tell myself that, despite my ethical arguments.

Why the need for this reassurance? Well, as of today my ex-boyfriend Jack (as in “ass”) announced his new official relationship with this girl I went to high school with. This girl is two years younger, known to hunt down guys who are in relationships, and frankly not as good-looking or intellectual. And who wants that to be the girl some douche bag dumped you for?

Now I know I’m being catty. But I just can’t believe he had someone all lined up to take my place…who does that?!? I slept with that bastard! I got him a stupid Christmas present (which is still in the bag lying in my room–the perfect gift wasted)! He was the guy I gave my full trust and loyalty to after my one year relationship fell apart! I went to him when I was depressed! WHAT AN ASS! So I shouldn’t take it out on this poor girl….but what the hell makes her so good?!?!

I’m working really hard at not being angry at him and not kicking him in the balls. So far the latter has been the more successful of the two. However, Jack and I share friends so I’ve got to suck it up sometime….I’ll just have to be better at faking my obvious distaste, distrust, and disgust. And deep down I don’t even want the stupid bastard. I’m just mad I let him humiliate me. But I’ve just got to tell myself that I will pity him in the end, when I am off having a real college life while he is stuck working at McDonald’s and living at home, dating some silly high school girl. And I will be older and so much more involved in equality issues and fighting social issues like homophobia, the patriarchy, religious hate crime, etc. I will be bad ass and they will be boring!! And you know what?? I’m glad I don’t have to pretend to like sports with that Jackass!

But…you know…working on not being angry….

(I just finished watching all of the Lord of the Rings movies…Legolas seemed appropriate.)

So here’s the plan: I will fake it until I make it. I’m going to look hot as much as laziness will allow, I will indulge in a new pair of jeans I need, I will get that new haircut I’ve been wanting, I’ll throw myself into doing things I enjoy like reading, watching The Office, and discovering new music. And I will remember that I am awesome, and no other girl will change that.

And no guy, either. Because I am worth more than that dumb Jack will ever know. Hail to redemption!!!

(Click below to hear what I’ve been listening to while writing this!)

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Too Many Questions, Too Little Sanity

Sometimes I wonder if this self-destructive streak in me is imagined or actually very real and present in my everyday decisions. Sometimes I know what’s good for me, but instead of actually doing it (like homework, going on a run, drinking more water/less coffee, socializing with the people who live in my hall) I just brush it off in favor of something that lets me avoid it even further (getting on Pinterest, looking up clothes online that I can’t afford, hanging out with a person I don’t exactly trust yet, going out to the frats on Friday nights, eating chocolate). Whether its real or imagined, I’ve known about it for sometime–heck, I think I first noticed it the first time I became depressed. Those days where I wouldn’t go outside at all and just wallow in my patheticness were the first that I actually questioned, “Am I my own worst enemy?”

So anyway, as per usual, this all goes back to a real-life situation I have at hand. There’s this person I work with, slightly sarcastic, cynical, indie rock music taste, shitty-dresser, smart, and very particular. They are the only coworker I have that I actually talk very much with, and we are even on a basis where we make fun of each other (which for me is the foundation of every friendship I’ve ever had). Anyway, so this coworker and I work every Monday night together, just us, in the campus copying center. Mostly we both do homework and my coworker will play music on Spotify or Grooveshark or whatever, occasionally helping customers, but mostly doing an abundance of nothing. (Have I mentioned how much I love this job?) Anyway, sounds like a pretty good basis for a friendship, right? There’s a problem though. They’re graduating in December–making them a senior, and reinforcing the fact that I am a lowly freshman. And does that honestly matter? No, but when you add it with us just being coworkers it makes for a stand-still. Honestly, this coworker is one of the few people at school who I feel truly knows me for the weirdness that I am. And no, okay, they don’t know my deepest darkest secrets or whatever, but they get me. They give me credit for my humor and make me feel at ease, which is a rare occurrence. But we can’t be friends…can we?

What the hell am I supposed to say? This isn’t second grade where I can just go up to the crying kid in the room and volunteer to be their friend (how I met my friend Val, an over ten-year friendship). There’s a fine line to walk. I can either do something risky, like invite them to hang out which a) they could decline, b) they could decline and then be totally awkward around me at work, or c) could mistake me for hitting on them and then proceed to never speak to me again from utter horror. Or I could just not be friends we them, and keep things the way they are, which slightly sucks. Either way I seemed to be screwed. And you haven’t even heard the worst part yet:

I sort of have this school-girl crush on him.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I’d rather have a good guy friend to pal around with, not just some other jerk who will ditch me whenever he wants. (Not to mention, I have a fantastic boyfriend…who I’m in an open relationship with…but that doesn’t mean I should do something stupid just because I can!…Right?…Aww, geez, what’s wrong with me…)

I should just forget this whole thing, right? I’m just blowing up nothing, and will ruin the best almost-friendship I ever had with him. Besides, just because you are attracted to someone doesn’t mean you should do anything about it. I’m just out to get myself…out to screw up the fragile stability I have in my life right now. This isn’t even important… I mean, yeah, I’ve been thinking about it for weeks, but I didn’t do anything all those weeks then why should I do something about it now? Are there certain people you are never supposed to be friends with? Damn, is that even a real question?

I’m just sitting here, typing, and just a minute ago I even asked him, “Do you think we are always supposed to be friends with the people we get along with?” Needless to say, he didn’t know how to answer it, because it’s a strange, ambiguous question. “Aren’t you already friends with the people you get along with?” See, this is the difference between men and women. Women blow up their brains with over analyzing (or maybe that’s just me–I shouldn’t generalize), and men don’t even have a concept to over-analyze, because the problem only exists in the woman’s head. Yeah, that sounded really sexist didn’t it? My point is, my mind is all screwed up, and I hate that only fifteen feet away, my coworker is completely oblivious and watching the Cardinals game.

Maybe I’d just be better off if I stopped asking so many questions. (But isn’t asking questions one of the first steps to gaining knowledge?)

So continues my “struggle”.

For Guys Everywhere: On Girls & Our Weirdness

Alas, my creepiness continues. I just got done reading a post from this guy ericdodo on here, and now even though I’m a complete stranger to him, he has inspired me to write a post. Basically, some people creep on Facebook, I guess going to Reader on WordPress is the equivalent of out of the blue barging into some stranger’s brain and rummaging through their sock drawer.

I don’t know if that made sense or not to you, but I’m going to move on with the topic of this post anyway.

Call me immature, call me lame, but I’ve always harbored this secret desire to teach a class or something to a group of guys that tells them how to treat a lady/what the hell is wrong with girls. Because let me tell you, females are smart and compassionate and some of the most amazing people in the world, but we are also completely and totally fucked up.

At a young age, I realized that men/guys/boys were never going to understand us. So given that frustrating piece of knowledge, I thought, “Well why don’t we just teach them?”

Unfortunately, I grew up and discovered that even though men/guy/boys are usually simple to figure out, sometimes they are capable of making females just as confused as we make them. After all, girls are so easy at figuring out other girls, and after years of having best friends who were primarily girls, teen hood threw one at me when it came to being friends with guys. They didn’t know anything about girls that you can’t find in Playboy. Oh the frustration I had…

But enough about that. After suffering through years of zits and failed hairstyles and rejection from guys, I’ve finally got a solid grip on them. Heck, I probably talk to more guys than I do girls now. And so, to the guys still questioning what the hell goes on in the female brain I give you some advice:

1. If you’re meeting a girl for the first time, it’s okay to flirt a bit. That way they’ll know right off the bat about how you feel, and if they’re not feeling it back then they aren’t trapped in this oh-crap-I-have-to-see-this-guy-everyday situation. You both are free to move on with your lives and forget each other’s existence the next day. So it doesn’t have to be that big of a deal.

2. If you like a girl who works with you/is in classes with you/you see from time to time, then don’t flirt right off the bat unless you’re really confident enough to. The less horrifying way to do it is to first talk to her about something unimportant. Compliment her shoes, ask her about an assignment, complain about how your boss smells like the inside of a bowling shoe. Just let her become aware of your being alive. Next, be nice. I know that sounds dumb, but I mean nicer in a way that is a bit special. Open doors for her, share your snack, be polite, take an interest in her life (asking her about hobbies/friends/family/whatever has been previously mentioned between the two of you). If you’re being a bit more nice than the average joe is, she’ll know you have a positive opinion of her. Now it’ll be her turn to decide how this ends up. She’ll either be repulsed by your niceness, encourage it, of be stuck somewhere in the middle where she accepts it, but does nothing to reciprocate. With the first two options, I expect you to have enough sense to know how you should respond. With the last…. She either doesn’t know how to be nice and say no at the same time, or she hasn’t quite figured out how she feels, or she’s shy. That means you have got to make an obvious move and see how she reacts.

3. If you like a girl you know really well, good luck. This is the toughest situation to test. You can either be bold and just spring it on her by making a move, or you can subtly hint at it while risking her not picking up on it. Decide this course of action based on if she’s observant or not. Some people need to be smacked over the head with feelings to figure them out, others just need a look to know how things are rolling. So if you’re going to do the subtle hinting thing, just be extra nice like I said in #2 and try to connect to her on an emotional level. Opening up to her will show her how much you trust her, and hopefully allow her to place the same trust in you. It doesn’t have to be anything too traumatic, just be real. Say so if you’ve had a crappy day, if you are angry with someone or something, confused about a certain situation, etc. After you two have gotten so close, it’s okay to admit how you feel about her, so long as you don’t freak her out and make put her on the spot (“Do you like me? Do ya? DO YA?”). Just be straight up and say how you feel, then tell her you just wanted her to know that, because your friendship means a lot and you want to be honest with her. If she’s a true friend, she’ll stick by you no matter what she feels.

I know there’s tons more to figure out. Believe me, I’ve gotten some weird questions from guys (examples: “Does it hurt your boobs to lay on your stomach?” Nah, not really. “Is it weird that I’ve watched Power Puff Girls before?” Depends on if you played with Barbies or not as well. “Can I watch you take out your tampon?” NO!). But for now, I hope this can clear some things up for you guys, or that you will at least tell me if you think I’m full of shit or not. If I’m gonna write advice, I want to make sure it’s actually helping people, so tell me if it is too.

I know I’m no guru of the female gender or anything, but take it from a girl who’s been hurt and in love and scammed on and majorly creeped out, I wish a lot of guys just knew this crap. Being a girl can already suck, so being a girl around a some sucky guy is something I think we all could do less with. (Really?! “Can I watch you take out your tampon?” REALLY?!?!?!)

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